Showing posts with label support. Show all posts

Happy Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mothers' Day.  I am blessed to be one of those who hopefully will receive little tokens of appreciation for motherhood from my son and daughter.  My son is still more than a little amazed that I have managed to keep all of his little Mother's Day gifts for the past nine years.  I promise I will keep them for as long as I have breath.

I recognize that this time is hard for so many people.  There are a lot of women who wish to become mothers.  Women who have tried desperately year after year to conceive a child.  And year after year, those same women fight feelings of failure, pain, and disappointment when there is no second line on the test cartridge.  I know the feeling well.

I pray that tomorrow is a beautiful day for you.  Not because it is Mothers' Day, but because you have made it to another day.  I pray comfort and peace, a balm for your soul.  I pray those who know your story and your journey will wrap you in love and friendship, not pity.  I pray that those who are dealing with secondary infertility don't hear the "at least you have a child" comments that disregard their pain.  I pray those who have faced loss of a child don't hear the "better place" and "for the best" comments that well wishers often utter unintentionally causing pain.  I pray for those who are contemplating giving up, who wish to just stop trying all together.  I pray comfort.  I pray peace. I pray healing.  I pray for all of you.


Because he's such an amazing father...

I'm a few days late in posting.  My apologies.  It's been kind of stressful in our world.  S.'s mom was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness that required hospitalization and some very frank conversations.  S. was at the hospital and in the company of medical professionals more than he saw the inside of his home.  It's been very stressful to say the least.   But I admire so much the strength, grace, and faith in which he has handled everything.

He is the go to person in his family.  Both of his parents and all of his siblings depend on his clear head and God-given wisdom.  It is apparent in the way he carries himself that God is truly with him. I believe it is a comfort to his family just knowing he is there.  It also helps that our entire family's core is built on nothing less than faith, prayer, and obedience to God.  Still, our prayers have constant for healing and restoration.

This week, I've watched my husband play chauffeur, legal analyst, technical writer, and interpreter for all of the various tasks that fell to him.  He handled them well, though I saw the strain that others did not.  Tonight, my mother in law rest comfortably in bed at home, full of smiles and peace, released from the hospital with a plan of attack for the foreseeable future and things have, for all intents and purposes, returned to a semblance of normalcy.

This weekend, the normalcy was babysitting.  I came home from work yesterday to find the delightful joy of a house FULL of children.  My nephews (both preschoolers) and niece (elementary aged) were visiting for a sleepover.  Their parents had an out of town engagement and S. and I agreed to watch the kids for them. It's been a blast.  Our children are around the same ages as my niece and  nephews.  When the kids get together, it's nonstop action and a lot of squeals and peals of laughter.

One of the things that was so striking in this visit is witnessing S. interact with his nephews.  My husband really is a great father.  I don't tell him enough, hardly ever, but my goodness.  He's really good.  I mean.  I know that already.  He's been amazing with our children.  Our son, mine from a previous relationship, is truly his son in every way except biological.  And though our son's biological father is active and supportive in his life, our son reaps the benefits of having S., his bonus father, in his life as well.  The same is to be said about our daughter, whose adoption was only recently finalized.  S. is amazing with her.  It is like he was put on this earth to be a father.  He is patient beyond all fault, fair in discipline, and purposeful in his actions.  Even when I don't agree with some of the execution, I have to acknowledge that S. is really being a great dad.

But this weekend, he has been amazing.  He's kept them entertained with all sorts of creative games. He has given baths.  He's taught the little ones that they "can" do something when they believe that they are too little to do it by themselves.  He's made them laugh.  [And]  When they have been a bit too active, he's gently guided them to an appropriate level.  He has been awesome.

There is no wonder that I desire to see him continue being a great father to a child conceived during our marriage.  We both have a strong desire for more children--both through adoption and biologically.  It would be a wonderful blessing to see S. cut the cord for a child or see the heartbeat flutter on the screen of an ultrasound.

So, I'm thinking of having a conversation with S., after our guests return to their home, while we are able to spend a bit of time by ourselves.  I think I want to try another IUI.  I know.  I know.  The chances are slim with S.'s count, but I've been doing research.  There are things we can do naturally that may increase his sperm numbers.  The endocrinologist said there was nothing that he saw that readily explained S.'s low numbers and that it could have been that he was simply "past his prime". So, I'm thinking about getting some of the fertility vitamins I've been reading so much about and taking them as well as having S. take the complementary male vitamins.

Maybe the numbers will improve.  Maybe another IUI would work.  Maybe an IVF wouldn't be necessary.  Since, we're not in a position to do an IVF right now, an IUI would be a more easily attainable goal.  But do I try it especially with all that is going on right now.

There are a bunch of doctor appointments that S. will be attending over the next few weeks.  There will be a bunch of doctor appointments that I would like to accompany him and my mother in law to over the next few weeks.  Where would RE appointments fit in with all of that?  Could we do it?  Can we do it.

It appears it is time to have a discussion.  Let's see where this road leads us.  I'll check in with you guys later and let you know what we come up with.

Have a great evening.

Christmas and Honest conversations

Merry belated Chistmas!  I've been trying to get to this blog for a couple of days now, but it has been nonstop and crazy here.  First, we hosted my husband's family's Annual Christmas Eve fellowship.  It was wonderful.  Twenty-four people, tons of food, gifts for S.'s mom who is currently fighting a terminal illness (but she's fighting and we are fighting with her), and great conversation.  Unfortunately, it wasn't over until 3AM and S. and I hadn't wrapped gifts yet.  So, for the next two hours, we wrapped and placed gifts under the Christmas tree.  There weren't a ton, but the wrapping was pretty extensive lol.  S. and I didn't lie down until 5 and the family didn't move until 9:30 AM.
I did our traditional Christmas brunch and we waited until afternoon when other family members stopped by before we opened gifts.  It was a great time...until the virus hit.

I got hit by a massive stomach virus that had it coming from both ends.  I recognized it as the same virus that had hit my hairdresser's home about two weeks ago.  She told me they'd been around someone with the same two week prior.  Made sense with the whole two week incubation period.

I was pretty weak and only just started taking crackers and water this afternoon. It was also this afternoon that my husband and I had some earnest and honest conversations.

It started with our talking about how successful the Christmas Eve party was and somehow we got on the subject of pregnancies.  Don't ask me how.  We usually don't discuss them.  But this time we had honest conversations about how many pregnancy announcements there have been since S. and I have started out #TTC journey.  In almost four years, we've had literally hundreds including simultaneous announcements of two sisters.  This Christmas we've seen the birth announcements of two friends who delivered on Christmas Eve.  Last week I was informed a colleague is expecting at 5 months.  She's skinnier than a twig lol.  It's something to be sure.

There have been tears, angry moments where I cried in showers and parking lots.  There have also been countless celebrations for the same persons.  We've genuinely been excited and happy for the announcers, but it didn't take away from the pain that we weren't conceiving.

S. said one simple phrase and it made me feel better.  He simply said, "One day it will be our turn". That meant a lot to me because we never address the elephant in the room.  We don't talk about it.  We just keep hoping and praying that God is going to let this month be our month.  We held that attitude for our IUI.  We were disappointed, but not defeated.  It will happen.

S. even talked about how we would announce our pregnancy.  He wants to have a party and announce it there.  I wouldn't mind that.  I hope we can do it soon though.  I don't think another four years is feasible.

For now, we're working on TTC naturally until we can figure out where we can find 20K for an IVF treatment.  Sigh....why does it cost so much to become a parent.  And why do insurance companies now cover abortions but not fertility treatments.  Sigh, that's a subject for a different day.

Have a great evening.  Merry belated Christmas.  Happy Holidays.

I understand...

Since starting this TTC journey, I have found so much comfort in the shared stories of other families walking the same path.  Some, like me, are facing secondary infertility.  The unexpected difficulty in conceiving hit hard and the perceived slight that some in the community offer as if secondary infertility isn't "real" infertility has been a shared sentiment.  In other cases, also like mine, the culprit seem seems to lie with the males.  Test results showed abnormal counts, abnormal shapes, or abnormal movement. Then there were PCOS cases, unexplained fertility cases, endometriosis cases, and so many more.

Somewhere in all of the diagnoses and all of the treatments, this secret society was born.  #TTC or trying to conceive sisters were born.  Women who knew the struggle of daily blood draws and hormone injections.  Women who fought the battle of baby envy and baby-related event withdrawal. They just didn't speak to each other.  The kept their stories to themselves.  Sometimes it was a feeling of shame, of failure.  Sometimes it was a perception of embarrassment.  Whatever the reason, it was a silent cry that repeated itself over and over again.  But that's starting to change.

A couple of days ago, a beautiful woman whom I have never met shared a video on her social media account of another beautiful woman who was also trying to conceive.  This woman had a strong following in the social media world.  Her grace and character was felt in every post.  But this post was different.  This post was a letter of pure, open, raw, and unadulterated honesty.  It spoke of her pain and journey with infertility.  Her emotions.  Her pain.  She was effectively "coming out".  More than that, she was becoming a beacon of light for so many.

That woman will never know how many lives she has impacted by being open, honest, and transparent.  She will never know how many people are so appreciative for her stepping into the public eye and sharing something that so many others think should remain private.  This woman spoke eloquently of her experiences with infertility and I am so glad she did.

I knew she understood.  I knew she wouldn't judge me for crying at a pregnant belly or sobbing in the shower after multiple pregnancy announcements.  I knew she wouldn't give me a side eye for peeing on multiple sticks on multiple days.  She would understand.

That's one of the reasons I started writing this blog.  I wanted to do something similar.  I wanted people who have the desire to read to know that they are no alone.  Someone else is with them, supporting them, hoping for them.  Someone else cares.

And today I need the support of the #TTC community more than ever.  Today, S. and I have had to face the sobering reality that an IVF is not financially feasible at this time.  A recent company acquisition by a new buyer has found my husband and his department without employment.  He's been there for over 8 years and has made some very close friendships.  A testament to his heart, he is more worried about his colleagues than himself.  Of course the timing sucks.

We were looking into financing options for the IVF as other options were exhausted.  Unfortunately, without employment, everything must stop even though I am still gainfully employed and there are other sources of income available.  So, I have to call the RE on Monday to cancel our upcoming appointment unless something changes between now and next month.

We won't stop trying to conceive.  Never that.  But, at least for now, we'll continue trying to do things the old-fashioned way.

Have a great evening.