Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts

The Day We Me Met Our Honeybee: Our Placement Story


Four years ago today, S. and I walked into a room to sign a mountain of paperwork.  I kept glancing anxiously at the clock wondering how much longer it would take, wondering if she was there yet.  The woman across from us, our amazing social worker, felt my anxiousness and said, “She’s here.  She’s upstairs and after we finish, I’ll take you to her”.  Mountains of paperwork loomed, some asking the same questions as the sheets before it.  It was daunting and reminiscent of when we closed on our first home, but this task so much more important to us.  Task complete, a manila folder with all of the paperwork was handed to us and minutes later my husband and I were walking into a cheerily painted room where a man stood (his wife and son beside him) holding this beautiful, tiny little baby girl.  An amazing and pure blessing.

adoption placement
Meeting our Honeybee for the first time
She was handed to me.  My husband, recording on his tablet, and I started crying.  Huge tears and HUGE praises uttered from my lips.  I thanked God for that moment, for that place, for that time that was created and preordained before I was even a thought.  God is SO great.  I reclined slightly on the couch and stared into her beautiful dark eyes and she stared at mine.  She was quiet, so very tiny, and I was in awe.  I enjoyed that moment, basking in her, allowing her to bask in me.  I passed her to my husband, whose eyes betrayed the tears that were there.  This was a moment that he’d prayed about, that we’d prayed  about together.  It was beautiful and raw and open.

Maybe God is trying to tell me something

Have you ever been prayed for something so fervently for so long and then, when you didn't see it manifesting itself, you stopped praying for it?  Not because you didn't believe that God could do it, but because maybe you were just tired of seeing it not happening and figured it wasn't in God's will. [And] Just because you didn't ask or talk to God about it didn't mean the desire left you.

Well, I prayed quite some time ago that God make me over.  I asked Him to remove the things in my life and heart that weren't of Him.  I asked him to make me in His image.  Even in doing so, I acknowledged that the process could get messy, but I wanted it.  I truly yearned for it.  Then, one day, when I felt like I wasn't really seeing the progress I thought that I should see, I stopped praying for it. I didn't stop hoping for it, desiring it, but I stopped going to God about it.  I don't know why it didn't dawn on me that God is still well aware of the desires of my heart.

The past few months have been very trying.  I have found myself depending more and more on God and less and less on me.  That's a good thing, but it's hard.  My moment of's one of the hardest things I'm learning in my life.  I have always had this pure acknowledgement that I am nothing without Christ and that I am worthy of nothing without Him.  But, in pure honesty, there were/are some areas in my life that are not what they should be.  One of those things is my blatant refusal to step out of my comfort zone.  What's wrong with that, you ask?  Well, I have purposely not done things that I believed were God's desire for my life.  Yep, I said it.  I'm not proud of it either.

Quite some time ago, I had the opportunity to make a career move with quite a sizable income increase.  It was during a time where I was approaching the end of one contract and needed another one immediately.  The interview went okay.  I honestly thought I could have done loads better.  I wasn't as confidant about this position as I asked questions and answered those thrown at me.  I walked away thinking I wouldn't be offered the position.  I was quite surprised when the opposite occurred and I was offered the position with quite a large increase.  BUT, it was something completely and totally out of my comfort zone.  It was something I thought I could possibly do, but something that I didn't really feel comfortable doing.  It would be a very steep learning curve. It was a lot of responsibility and put me in the front, in a managerial role.  I didn't want that.  I was and am much more comfortable in a supporting role.  I don't need my name in lights.  I don't even need you to know that I did it.  A simple thank you is sufficient.  Even without one, I'm good.  The fact that this position would be in front of everyone and good, bad, or indifferent I would be the go-to person bothered me a lot.  I talked to FatherWinter about it.  I prayed about it.  I felt like there was a reason I was there, but I was afraid and out of my comfort zone, and I turned the job down.  Ugh... if this was a test, I failed.

Still, God allowed me to find another job with a smaller increase but something that I was very comfortable in.  It was something I thrived in.  I did well, bought smiles to faces, and have enjoyed small luxuries like a shorter commute and the ability to be present for my son's school functions. These things are very important to me.  So, I was admittedly unprepared for recent developments.

Two days ago, I was asked if I would consider taking a position still within the company, but outside of the main office that would have me in a terrible commute at least part of my work week, would cause inconvenience for my family and I, and would take me completely and totally out of my comfort zone. I discussed with my family, thought about it, and quite frankly because of fear of comfort zones, I turned it down.  But even as I did so, something within me knew that wasn't the last I'd hear of it.

Fast forward to today.  This afternoon, I received an email from Honeybee's social worker regarding the upcoming TPR.  I talked to her on the phone regarding some information about our Honeybee's hearing and the frustrations that are still there and the fear that subtly exists as well.  I got off the phone feeling drained and in need of some kind of light.  I called a very good sister in Christ who helped to calm me down without even knowing all the dirty details (I so love her for respecting the privacy of Honeybee's case) and prayed for me.  After that conversation and the frustrations of the day,  I returned to my work space only to log on to my computer and read an email request to come to my supervisor's office when I was free.

There, I was informed of some major shake ups in the company that could possibly remove our entire office.  Because of the shakeup, employees would need to make adjustments to ensure they were able to be employed full-time.  I would need to reconsider my comfort zones...and the position.  Sigh....Good one, Father.

Funny.  This isn't the first time I've been invited to attend a position in this location and in this area.  I keep finding myself returning to it.  I feel like Jonah.  I don't want to.  Unlike Jonah, I don't feel like I'm being directed that way, but...aren't I if every other door is closing?

This morning I woke up with a lot of heaviness.  I didn't know why and I didn't like it.  My daily devotion email said:

"For those of you, My people, who are stressed because of your work load or circumstances, take a deep breath.  I tell you truthfully that everything is going to be all right.  No need to worry.  Take every opportunity to relax even it it is for a few minutes, and re-focus on knowing you have My Spirit to comfort you and lead you to peace and safety, says the Lord.  You are not alone.  Psalms 31: 3 For You are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me."

That read like some pretty sturdy guidance to me.  So, I've tried to proactively schedule some me time...some real me time.  Not me time like sitting in a restaurant reading or even scheduling a massage.  I plan on scheduling some time just for me to sit down in a quiet and beautiful setting and have an earnest talk to God.

Until I get to that place and space, I'll just continue to pray to God from wherever I am and ask Him what He wants me to do next.

Still, I make no qualms about it.  I am so outside of my comfort zone.  I don't like it.  But I do believe that what God has planned is better than anything I could ever plan for myself.  So, please continue to pray for me and my family.   It would certainly be appreciated.


CIBH: Blockages in my prayer life

This post is a part of the Can I Be Honest (CIBH) collection.

I haven’t had an earnest conversation with God for a while now.  I’ve awakened in the morning and have thought my thanks for being allowed to see another day, but the prayer that came from my lips seemed automatic even to me.  I’ve blessed my food and have thanked Him for its availability.  I’ve even acknowledged within myself that is He who has kept me gainfully employed at my company in the midst of shockingly massive and debilitating layoffs.  But acknowledging in my head and heart and not actually speaking to God to acknowledge those things in conversation with Him hasn’t really been occurring.  I haven’t been able to get into a deep and earnest discussion with Him.