Showing posts with label ovulation. Show all posts

His facade is slipping (the birthday episode)

                                       
I'm so sorry that I've been out of pocket!  The last couple of days have been very busy in our household.  S. recently celebrated a birthday.  I made sure to shower him with all of his favorites and his birthday wish list.  He wanted a special breakfast that morning.  Granted.  I made sure to capture his favorite fruit and have it available for lunch.  Granted.  I went to his favorite bakery and procured his favorite birthday cake...twice when the baker got the order incorrect...Granted.  I got his favorite ribs and his favorite over loaded sides.  Granted.  Much desired gifts were given.  I made sure that he received gifts that he both wanted and needed.  At the end of the evening, S. was very happy.



The very next day, our baby girl celebrated her birthday.  I made sure cupcakes were present at the daycare, gifts were ready to be opened when she returned, her birthday candles blown out on her birthday cake.  Later, after everyone was sleeping soundly, S. and I took advantage of it also being #ttc week for me and celebrated with each other with an impromptu in home date-night.
Cyclebeads.com
Yep, it is the week of ovulation.  Because my body does it's own thing, S. and I know only that it occurs this week and the suspected spike of actual ovulation days.  But my body (and my trusty app) has let me know that this week is go week.  And S. knew it.  S. has done everything possible to ensure conception.  He's raising my hips after we baby dance.  He's placing pillows and having me lie very still.  These are all things we've heard of before, even implemented occasionally, but now it seems hard wired into him.  Today, we were catching up on our favorite sports show and he had his hand resting on my stomach and would occasionally rub it to "talk to the baby".  I hope above hope that this is the month for us, but I do not want S. to be disappointed.

I would wonder why now does it seem so strong, so necessary, but I think I know.  I believe that birthday hit him.  It reminded him that we've been trying for a while and that he has still yet to conceive a child naturally with me.  Our beautiful children are amazing and wonderful.  There are no "step" anything in our family nor any other designation.  But, it does remain that our children are those conceived from a previous relationship and adoption respectively.  I would love for him to know the joy of being there from the very beginning, from the moment of conception, from the first heartbeat, and first inutero kick.  I'd love for him to know the joy of new and wonderful development stages.  I think this is what is driving him this week.

And I want it for him.  S. is an amazing father.  Amazing!  He is so kind, so sweet, so patient.  I would love to carry his child.  I just don't want to see the look of sadness in his eyes if it doesn't happen this month.  I think it will be a stronger blow than usual.  I truly think conception is his birthday wish.

Sigh.  So, what does that mean?  Well, for now, it means that I do the same as I always do.  We will continue to try and conceive.  We are still trying to do so naturally until we can afford an IVF cycle, which our RE believes if our best option to conceive.  I have said it before and will continue to say that I don't understand why our jobs allow for coverage of abortions, but refuse to cover the costs of infertility treatments.

Hope everyone is having a great evening.  I'll do better about keeping you apprised.  Talk to you soon.

-K.


Do it again...

Sigh...well, I went to the RE's office to get my BW and US.  The follicles are growing, but growing slowly.  Extremely slowly...sigh.   The 15.5. had barely crossed 16.  The others were between 13-14.  Sigh.  That was disappointing.  I almost expected that because I hadn't been having the gnarly cramps that I usually have when I ovulate.  Even with the Gonal-F, my cycle has been fairly quiet.  Though all of this is new, especially since it's my first one.  Who knows what normal really is anymore.

My nurse told me that I will need to take another dosage of the Gonal-F tonight and then drive quite a ways away to get more BW and US tomorrow.  If we grow like we are hoping to, then our IUI will be Sunday morning.  If it doesn't, there's another order of Gonal-F to be made and another shot to take.

As I type, I take some of the cramping statement back.  I am currently experiencing an ovulation cramp.  Maybe tomorrow will be a good day after all.

The Ovulation Wars: Love and Hate

It’s that time again. That time of the month where I go from sweet to near psychotic in seconds. Nope, not that time of the month. The other one. Ovulation. In my world of fluctuating hormones and infertility, the mere thought of ovulation is an annoyance to me.

Every month, it announces itself with a huge bout of nausea. I’m serious. Anything I smell or eat makes me dry heave. I feel nauseous all day long for several days before I actually release an egg. That symptom alone, well before any little pink stick, tells me that ovulation is near or occurring. I used to enjoy appreciate the symptoms because they let me know that it was a time to increase any intimate moments with my husband. Now, I can’t stand it. I have been monitoring my fertile cycle for three years. I know ovulation dates to a science. I can even tell which side is releasing an egg thanks to the ovulation cramps I receive. Still, in the three years of tracking, I have yet to conceive a child naturally. That’s okay because our family has been with the joy and love of our children H. and S.  Still, I often find myself asking God out loud, “what is the purpose of getting nauseous every month when there is no baby to contribute to the nausea?” I don’t know if I’ll ever understand God’s sense of humor on that, yet still I endure it monthly.

The thing that has me writing this post is the recent rapid surge and then rapid loss of libido. It’s driving me up a wall. I honestly imagine this is what adolescent males feel like. I sometimes find myself wanting physical intimacy all the time, for hours at a time. In my head, I’m so thankful I have a husband and that I get to go home to him to…well..um..talk intimately to him….only to have that feeling disappear the moment I walk through the door or before I even leave work in the evening. It’s frustrating! Not only for me, but I’m sure for other women who endure the same. Not to mention spouses of these women. How crazy must it be for them?


                                      My mantra during the particularly difficult days

Seriously, what the heck is going on with my body?! I've done some research and have found that my body is supposed to have a bit of a hyper sensualized response on days of ovulation, but this is far from a bit. I feel like I could bench press a bus. Everything is hypersensitive. Ears, skin. UGH! You would think this would be great in the world of trying to conceive. NOPE.

As I said, this has been going on for three years. I come home revved up and the moment I step out the car, the feeling leaves. Just like that…it’s gone. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? If I were a cursing woman, this would be where a series of them erupt I’m sure. I did go my doctor about it and it turns out my hormone levels have a tendency to regularly rise to levels six times beyond normal hormone ranges! Yep, six times! I’ve had to take progesterone creams as a balancer. Works for a while, then doesn’t. During ovulation times, my hormone levels spike even higher than my normal levels. Which leads to the...fun…moments. The mood swings.

With the increased hormones come increased libido, increased mood swings, frustration, and short temperament. That becomes a problem. I don’t mean to be short when I come home on these days, but I honestly just want to be left alone. I hate this season of the month. I honestly do. And explaining it to my husband is just not something that works. He thinks I’m making it up or it’s in my head. UGHHHHHHHHHH. My body hates me.

Oh, did I mention the pain? Yep, about the third day in, I get these really gnarly and painful cramps reminiscent of menstrual cramps on steroids. Always on one side. They alternate month to month and they hurt. I mean stop me in the middle of walking and make me catch a deep breath stop. What in the world?! The doctors says the egg is preparing to release or has released and that most women don’t even notice. Well, apparently, I’m not most women. It hurts!!

I usually take an Aleve and it goes away for a while, but it’s a constant for sure. I often wonder if my uterine cyst has anything to do with the pain, but since the pain only comes during ovulation and occasionally with menstruation and hasn’t grown, it remains.

By the end of the week, this cadre of symptoms will have disappeared. It will be as if it never was there until my menses actually arrive and we experience similar symptoms all over again. Wow.

Only this time, the painful cramps and mood swings just announce that once again I haven't conceived.

Sigh. Such is life right now I suppose. Today happens to be one of the days where I am okay with that. I know if God has that in the plans for my husband and I, we will see it. Today is a good day. Others...not so much.

So...here we are. I have been outrageously open and have shared my frustration of ovulation with fertility issues for the world. Why? Shouldn't that be private? On one hand, absolutely. What's in your home should remain there. On the other, why not be open. Someone else is going through the same things I am and feel like they are only person experiencing it. Maybe my sharing my story will be a help to someone else. I know I've been encouraged by women who walk similar paths as I in adoption and infertility. Perhaps this will bring a bit of peace for them.

Have a great evening.
-K
*Reprint from companion blog with author's permission