Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Prayers for the Couple...

DISCLAIMER: This post contains information about our pregnancy and loss. Because I know all too well how these kinds of posts may affect my fellow #ttcsisters and #ttcbrothers, especially those experiencing loss, I include this disclaimer to forewarn you. I understand how much these posts can sting and promise to continue to add the disclaimer on any post that may be related to this pregnancy (assuming viability) so that you may have the option to bow out of reading. I understand and I am still praying for all of you.


Happy Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mothers' Day.  I am blessed to be one of those who hopefully will receive little tokens of appreciation for motherhood from my son and daughter.  My son is still more than a little amazed that I have managed to keep all of his little Mother's Day gifts for the past nine years.  I promise I will keep them for as long as I have breath.

I recognize that this time is hard for so many people.  There are a lot of women who wish to become mothers.  Women who have tried desperately year after year to conceive a child.  And year after year, those same women fight feelings of failure, pain, and disappointment when there is no second line on the test cartridge.  I know the feeling well.



I pray that tomorrow is a beautiful day for you.  Not because it is Mothers' Day, but because you have made it to another day.  I pray comfort and peace, a balm for your soul.  I pray those who know your story and your journey will wrap you in love and friendship, not pity.  I pray that those who are dealing with secondary infertility don't hear the "at least you have a child" comments that disregard their pain.  I pray those who have faced loss of a child don't hear the "better place" and "for the best" comments that well wishers often utter unintentionally causing pain.  I pray for those who are contemplating giving up, who wish to just stop trying all together.  I pray comfort.  I pray peace. I pray healing.  I pray for all of you.

-K

IUI #1 =BFN

I received the call from my nurse. She didn’t even have to say anything. It was all in her voice. It was negative. Why does that word hurt so freaking much? Negative. You know, the Christian in me knows that my will isn’t always going to line up to God’s timing. I know that I’m simply going to have to accept that it wasn’t time. That doesn’t stop me from hurting right now. I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. I’m so emotional.

BFN!!!
And on top of that, the MOMENT she said negative my cramps kicked into overtime as if they were announcing that my cycle has ALWAYS been ready to go; I was just fooling myself to think otherwise. I…am..so..hurt. I haven’t even told S. yet. I don’t want to tell him that over the phone. I’m at work another few hours at least before I can go home AND I have class tonight. Who the blood clot wants to go to class after that? But I have to because I have finals. Ugh….And there is no one I can talk to, no one I cry on because as wonderful as S. is, he’s going to hold it in. That’s him. And none of our friends know we’re undergoing this procedure. Nor does our family. So, I get to stand beside my beautiful loved ones with their burgeoning bellies and deal. I feel like I shouldn’t be hurt. I feel like I’m being ungrateful because God has granted us two children. But…still….

I don’t need to write a long prose or long drawn out letter. The test came back and it’s negative. Let the eating of carbs and sweets begin.


5:29PM

Having had a bit of time to process the events of today, I still find that I'm hurt and disappointed.  I'm just thankful that S. is the man that he is.  We simply started discussing what our next steps would be.  We don't know yet.  We know that we have dialed our RE nurse and will be discussing IVF as an option tomorrow. That's so much more expensive that we even want to consider right now, but we have to try.  I just pray it works, whatever it is.

-K