Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts

IVF #2 CD 16: Day 2 Fertilization Report

Woohoo! I have to tell you that waiting for your doctor or nurse to call with news of your babies is more than a little nerve wrecking. However, we received the call yesterday that all 11 embabies are dividing!! I am so excited. I really, really, am excited. Hopefully, they will continue to do so and we will have embaby(ies) to transfer on Saturday.

So, let’s discuss how I’m feeling today. Today I’m okay. I’m still bloated. I’m still fatigued. I’m still a bit sore in my pelvic region. But I’m much better than yesterday. Yesterday was brutal. I was tired. I mean really tired. I was also very bloated. I’d been drinking my Gatorade but it didn’t seem to be helping. I almost felt like I waspregnant already. Add to that the progesterone made my nipples a bit sore (sorry, TMI) and it was just a fun day.

Now, don’t mistake my sharing for complaining. Oh no! I’m happy. For some reason, I just feel like this cycle is different. I’m not too stressed. I am not on Dr. Google every moment. I am searching for other bloggers, but that’s because I like reading the experiences, not because I want to compare.

I’ve also made up my mind that I will absolutely NOT test during my TWW this time. I know. I know. I hear the groans, the “yeah, okays”, and see the eye rolls. But I think I did myself such a disservice last time. I tested on 5dp5dt and I saw that beautiful faint line. It was beautiful. I let myself get excited. Then, I tested the next day when I said I wouldn’t and while I still saw a faint line, it was much fainter than it had been the day before. I kept editing pictures and tweaking and inverting and worked myself into such a tizzy that on beta day I even made myself nauseous because my brain said I was pregnant. It made the crash and burn from the negative result that much more painful. Nope. I’m not doing that again.

So, my plan is simple. I am going to keep myself occupied with other stuff. I have plenty to do, so it shouldn’t be difficult. S. won’t be able to join me on transfer day because he will be with our son and daughter (for those of you new to the blog we have a 10 yo from a previous relationship (me) and a 2 yo we have adopted together). I felt sad about that last time, but I don’t this time. It was a very quick procedure, but I found that I appreciated having that moment with our babies by myself. I plan on completing the procedure, going to the car and thank God again for the opportunity even if it doesn’t carry me to the end. Then, I’m going to pick up an order of McDonald’s fries (not because everyone says to do, but because I think I will have deserved a reward for fight our area’s traffic). After I get home, I plan on spending some time with the family watching TV movies and staying quiet just giving the little ones a chance to snuggle in.

Sunday morning, I’ll enjoy worship service with my family and a nice yummy meal in the PM. I won’t need to plan too much in the way of TWW activities because it’s Christmas season! There will be tons to do including the family newsletter, Christmas cards, hair appointments, Christmas parties, etc. Hopefully, the TWW will fly by and beta will be here before we know it.

I’ll keep you guys posted, of course. Have a wonderful day.


IVF#2 CD16 Medications
  • Estradol- 2 pills taken orally (1 in the AM/1 in the PM) 
  • Endometrin- 1 vaginal insert 3 times a day
IVF#2 CD16 Symptoms
  • Bloated
  • Fatigued
  • Slight period like cramps in abdomen
IVF#2 CD16 Developments
  • None to report
Next Appointment(s)
  • IVF#2 CD18:  Egg Transfer

Moment of Honesty: Nervous (Yesterday's Story)

I took my last birth control pill this morning. This little colored sphere marks the day before everything changes. Tomorrow, this journey becomes tangible. It becomes warrior mode. Tomorrow, I start the scouting mission. The prep work laid by quieting my body’s hormonal tendencies and the bending of its will to that of mere humans…Yep, all of that. Man, I’m nervous.

I just called the finance officer and dropped a huge payment on this journey. Tomorrow, I drop one more and it’s a go. I bless God for being able to do that. It isn’t easy. It won’t be without sacrifice. Oh my the ramen noodles and easy prep meals will be a staple for a while, but we do what we must. Tomorrow, I walk in that office at crack of dawn in the morning and give my “Pre-IVF Evaluation blood work and ultrasound”. Then, I wait. I wait for my amazing nurse A. to call me and say “all is well. Start injections on Friday”. And then it begins. It really begins.

And I’m determined to be positive. I’m trying very hard not to psyche myself out. I’ve been Googling “IVF/ICSI first time success” and going over the risks that my education modules so blatantly put before us. I really pray this works. S. is also hopeful, very hopeful. We had an extremely busy weekend and he still found time to snuggle with me and place his hand over my womb and tell me how I’ll have to take it easy a bit. He asked about retrievals and transfers. A lot of those questions were answered by the modules and the risks gave him pause. He didn’t say anything, but I saw it. He heard it from me in the sigh of miscarriage risk and the injection videos, in answering the questions, and in planning our calendar for “what if” moments.

This is going to be something. It’s going to be one of the most difficult things we have ever gone through as a couple. I remember when we walked the journey for adoption of our daughter. I blogged then too. I remember how stressful it was and how sometimes I felt like I was all alone because S. kept his emotions and thoughts to himself. That was a very hard time. But we endured. We came through it together. It was a victory in our marriage, a battle scar we wore together—proudly. The joy that our children bring is amazing. Yet, we’re about to go into another journey.

Hormones aren’t exactly nice to me. Mood swings aren’t great during regular cycle time. I can only imagine what we’ll see now. But it will be worth it. The pain will be worth it. The bloating. The tears. The scheduling. The early mornings. It will all be worth it. Why? Because I believe with everything in me that we will have another child. I’m praying that he or she comes via this cycle.

Talk to you all soon!


The Real

Hello everyone. I’m back again on cycle day 4. I was pretty bummed about Aunt Flo’s visit this time even though I knew it was a serious possibility. I have never had a cycle run as late as this one did and I was pretty annoyed by it, but it is what it is. This cycle has been pretty tame in comparison to others I’ve had. Still crampy and light to medium flow, but I am okay with it.

S. and I had a quick conversation yesterday about a longer conversation we need to have tonight. S. thinks it is time we go forward with attempting to lock on IVF financing. I would love to, but I think there are some other conversations we need to have first. As some of our #ttcsisters and #ttcmisters have shared in our beautiful #ttccommunity, trying to conceive can certainly take a toll on relationships. The fun and spontaneity of being intimate with your spouse or loved one becomes replaced with timed intercourse, basal temping, cervical mucus tracking, ovulation calendars, and more medical professionals than at a medical school. It can get overwhelming. Combine that with a cyclic interaction of grief every time a pregnancy test reveals a #BFN and it can be a bit much.

My husband and I both love each other very much. There isn’t a doubt in my mind of this. We are both also devoted to God’s path for us and our marriage, but we need to reconnect. We need more than to reconnect. We need to focus and build from scratch. I’ve recently felt like I’m pushing so hard to give him the experience of being a father from conception that I’m negating the experience of fatherhood he has received through interactions with our other two children. While he has been an active part of our son’s life since he was two (child from a previous relationship), I felt he missed out on the phase of newborn to one. While he has been there since the early weeks of our daughter’s placement with us to her bubbly toddler self today, I felt that he was robbed of pregnancy. That wasn’t or isn’t my assumption to make.

The truth is we love our family and every experience in it. We love being parents and we would love to be parents to more children one day. But, recently, in the space of trying and miscommunication to no communication, it’s been admittedly difficult. It is my personal belief that we need to stop for a while. We need to spend some time being S. and K. We need to spend some time being husband and wife. We need to spend some time being friends. Our being mommy and daddy will be even more enhanced just by that.

Admittedly, this conversation will be a hard one.  But it's needed.  I can't remember the last time things just flowed.  Everything seems to be strained and while that is part of any relationship, communicating is core to making it work.  Painful or not.  So, I'm praying God's grace and peace over our future conversations and decisions.

Anyone else getting back to basics before continuing on your journey?

Still no Aunt Flo...

So, on the 17th of July, I posted on my Instagram feed last night that my cycle had not arrived per schedule. I was cramping alerting me to her presence, but nothing was there. I didn’t test at first (I was proud of myself for that one too). I just figured Aunt Flo would arrive the next day. 

When I woke on the 18th of July, my nipples were so sore I could barely touch them (TMI). Not a big deal as they do this every single cycle. So, I just knew I would see Aunt Flo.  Well…she didn't show. So, I did take a test. I took an 88-cent cheapie from Walmart. #BFN.  

 I thought the possibility of a line could have been there and then shook my head recognizing the shadow of indent. So, there I was two days late, cramping, and still waiting for Aunt Flo, hoping that maybe she wouldn't arrive.  Fast forward to yesterday morning and I woke up with the same sore nipples, and a pinch in my lower right side.  No worries I thought.  Aunt Flo is probably here.  I went to the bathroom and nothing.

I had an all day meeting yesterday and decided, during break, that I would get a HPT since it was now approaching the completion of day 3 without Aunt Flo.  Took the first test as soon as I came back to the office and........#BFN :(  Nothing.  

I was driving home last night and the pinching cramp returned along with back pain.  I am familiar with that during times of #PMS, so I chalked it up to a late arrival for some reason.  However, I had another digital test last evening and decided to take it.  It took forever to count down, but eventually it revealed that once again, I have a #BFN.

So, I've given my body permission (sound goofy but sometimes I think my mind and body want this so badly that it subconsciously holds the release just so I don't go through my stages of grief again.  But seriously, if I'm out, I'm ready to be out and to try something different next month.

We know IVF is still going to be our best bet, but we are limited on when and what we can do with funds being tight.  Still, God is able and I believe that if it is His will, we'll conceive--one way or another.

I'll keep you updated. Keep us in your prayers.


I'm Out

Well, ladies and gentlemen. No surprise here. I’m out. Today is CD1 for me. Right on time. Just like clockwork. Aunt Flo has arrived complete with her cramps and mood swings. In my mind, I see her laughing rather mockingly at me. ‘How dare you think you were going to conceived this month’. Man, this sucks.

There is such a general disappointment after seeing a BFN on a pregnancy test after you are so very certain that you could have conceived this month. The tweakers on the #TTC sites may pull a faint line here or a possible there. You spend countless hours (and data space) snapping photos of your own tests to manipulate, zoom in, squint at, and so on. You start looking at due date calendars and possible pregnancy symptoms on Google. You wonder if this symptom that you didn’t have last month could be a symptom that really means implantation and pregnancy this month. You hope against hope. You pray against prayer. You even quote the “I’m not out until AF shows” to yourself willing conception to occur. And then, quite suddenly sometimes, it’s over. You’re back at CD 1. The cramps of defeat your only company. The bloating and release of unused lining your proof of misery. And you mourn…all over again. You agonize over the loss of yet another month. You realize that you are one month older in the conception timeline and close to one year older in the maternal age category. You feel sad. You feel damaged. You feel inferior. All because you’re out.

So, I’ll try again. But I’m not sure I want to. It’s hard. Grieving the loss every month. The emotion is raw. You find your sanity tested. You find your faith tested. Yeah. You find your faith tested. There is never any point in getting mad at God. He has his reasons. Maybe it isn’t time. Maybe there is something else you need to focus on first. Maybe, it isn’t His desire for you to be a mother yet…or at all. That sounds horrible and you find yourself feeling guilty for thinking it and for your anger. But it’s there and it’s palpable, and can’t be ignored. You want to be a mother, again. You hear those who say at least you have children. They are right. You do. And love them more than life. But you know that you have the heart and capacity for many, many more. You have already adopted. You aren’t against doing it again, desire to even, but you want your husband’s blood line to be represented as well and you realize that maybe that just isn’t going to happen. And…you’re out.

It’s CD1 and I’m writing another post about how this month wasn’t the month. I’m looking at yet another article on fertility diets and viewing yet another vlog about what they did to get pregnant this time. Maybe I’ll try the maca root this time. Maybe acupuncture. Maybe I should get the Fertilease for my husband. Maybe I should get the female version for myself. And sure enough I hear that small voice that says “Maybe you should just give up”…and I want to. But I can’t. Because I want this more than anything. But I know that I’ll be 36 next month and my egg count is depleting and no one knows the quality. And so, I move forward…again.

It’s Cycle Day 1 and I’m out…


No need for results...

I woke up this morning, and despite telling myself I wouldn't do it, I took another #HPT (home pregnancy test) with FMU (first morning urine).  I held  my breath as I waited for the second line to appear.  This time, it was a pink dye test.  This time the second line did not appear.  I thought it possible that it could be a fluke and I even took the test apart hoping I could see something.  I fooled myself into seeing a possible.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  Tomorrow I would receive my results either way.  So, I would continue along my day as if I were pregnant.

Fast forward to about 10:30AM and I start feeling the familiar cramps that remind me of an imminent visit from Aunt Flo.  Just to be on the safe side I donned a sanitary pad and continued about my business.  In the space of an hour or so, I felt a familiar sensation and went to the bathroom.  Aunt Flo had arrived in full power.  There was no doubt about it.  There is no doubt about it.  I am not pregnant.  

The very faint positive line that I saw on the first blue dye test and the second clear positive that showed up on a separate test later were false.  The fact that the tests only showed a faint line or indication of pregnancy on the blue dye tests should have told me something.  And now, I am sitting in my bed, typing this post admitting that this month was another #TTCfail.  

Sigh.  As if that wasn't hard enough, hours after discovering my fail, I attended the baby shower of a dear friend today.  I am SO absolutely and very excited for her.  I can't wait to hold the new little one she and her husband have conceived together.  It was a blessing to be there for her.  But there was one fleeting moment when everyone was joking about the passing of one of the gifts to the next mommy-to-be.  All of the women were joking about not being "it".  All I could think of was how I wish I was "it".  And then the moment was gone, just that quick.

When I went home this afternoon, I logged onto social media and saw the sharing of pictures from the baby showers of two additional relatives and acquaintances.  One was a cousin whom I wasn't even aware was expecting.  She and her husband have been married for a year and one month.  She is ready to deliver soon.  Sigh...

The worst of all is I can't share any of this with S. He has no idea about any of it.  When I got the first very faint line, I decided not to tell my husband in case it turned out to be a negative in reality.  With everything that is going on in his world right now, I didn't want to add false hope and then snatch it back.  So, I kept it to myself... The multiple tests with the faint lines, the negative tests, the HCG labwork, the negative this morning...all of it.  I truly hoped I would get good news tomorrow and be able to surprise him with great news and a cute announcement to him.  Sigh...not going to happen.

I may tell S. what happened.  I may not.  As I said, he is going through a lot.  I don't want to add to that.  

What I do want to do now if spend some time with myself and God.  I have some choices and decisions to make.  The option has been presented to start an unmonitored Clomid cycle on days 3-7 of my cycle.  I need to discuss that with S. to see if it is something he thinks we should try.  There would be no IUI, but there would be the possibility of multiple follicles and multiple eggs.  It would give S.'s soldiers more targets possibly, and that doesn't mean multiples.  It means strong eggs.

We'll see what happens...and we will let you know...

Have a good evening.


Happy Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mothers' Day.  I am blessed to be one of those who hopefully will receive little tokens of appreciation for motherhood from my son and daughter.  My son is still more than a little amazed that I have managed to keep all of his little Mother's Day gifts for the past nine years.  I promise I will keep them for as long as I have breath.

I recognize that this time is hard for so many people.  There are a lot of women who wish to become mothers.  Women who have tried desperately year after year to conceive a child.  And year after year, those same women fight feelings of failure, pain, and disappointment when there is no second line on the test cartridge.  I know the feeling well.

I pray that tomorrow is a beautiful day for you.  Not because it is Mothers' Day, but because you have made it to another day.  I pray comfort and peace, a balm for your soul.  I pray those who know your story and your journey will wrap you in love and friendship, not pity.  I pray that those who are dealing with secondary infertility don't hear the "at least you have a child" comments that disregard their pain.  I pray those who have faced loss of a child don't hear the "better place" and "for the best" comments that well wishers often utter unintentionally causing pain.  I pray for those who are contemplating giving up, who wish to just stop trying all together.  I pray comfort.  I pray peace. I pray healing.  I pray for all of you.


Angry beyond compare: I need these lab results

Things are not okay.  They simply aren't.  I'm not being polite about it.  I'm tired of glossing it over. Things are not where I'd like them to be.  Tonight is Good Friday.  While I should be at church with my family, I am sitting here with nausea and depression.  I am quite sure my thyroid has lost it's mind and I need my lab test results to confirm that.

So angry....

It's been ridiculously busy here.  I've been staying late at work every single day this week.  Then I've come home and have had to leave again for rehearsals and practices and so many other things.  I've been run down, fatigued, and less than attractive even to myself.  But even worse is my mood swings.

I've been so angry.  Everything makes me heated.  S. and I had a row last night because he wanted to continue a disagreement we'd had earlier in the week.  I hadn't eaten all day.  I had to stay late at work because we were trying to meet a tight deadline.  I came home just in time to drop off our daughter, kiss our son, and walk back out the door because I was running late for rehearsal.  I just wanted to come home and lay down.  S. wanted to have a conversation and I just tuned him out.

Even writing it, it seems petty, but I honestly couldn't help it.  I have been a combination of moody, angry, emotional, and weepy for the past week and some change.  I went to the doctor to have some blood drawn because the last time I had those symptoms, I was found to be severely Vitamin D deficient and have an estrogen count 6 times above what normal ranges should be.  So, I went back.

I went back and had them run all these tests with all these vials of blood and now I'm in a #tww of a different kind.  I have until next week to wait and discover why I am always nauseous.  Why I always feel like crying.  Why I have pelvic cramps when I'm no where near ovulation.  And why I go from 0 to screaming in t minus 30.  I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it.

And I'm praying that I feel better really soon.


Words hurt (Non-TTC related)

Have you seen the below story?
Do you know what really bothers me about it? 

Someone is going to defend the teacher for the comments. I've been on the receiving end of similar comments like this from teachers. One teacher in particular stays on my mind to this day. When I was a child (about the age my son is now) I had a teacher who quite matter of factly told me that I was "stupid" and "might as well give up now" because "I'd never amount to anything". This teacher was awful to all but a selected few and I wasn't in the group. So I got it daily...and the other kids who didn't know any better gleefully repeated everything the teacher said because it had to be true if the adult in the class said it daily, right? I never said anything to my family about it growing up because I believed that adults and educators were right and to be respected and I was a young child. It did a number on my self-esteem. It took a minute for me to get to a place where I rejected that thinking. 

And today...some days..... well...People question why I am so quick to stand by my son's side if he says something is off with an educator. Because I lived through it. While I know not every educator is like this (some of the best ones in the world have crossed my path), I refuse to let my children endure what I did. So, I'm the parent that questions. Never disrespectfully, but I am not just going to take your word for it. 

People may feel some kind of way about it, but it is what it is. I truly hope this "teacher" is removed from the profession and I hope this young lady gets some counseling. People might snicker at that, but she is going to need it. Trust. Words hurt. Nasty words from people in positions of authority who are supposed to help you to be better hurt. And please don't give me this "maybe he was saying to make her strive to be better". That was told to me by an adult family member when I shared the incident with years later as an adult while reminiscing about my school days. And that hurt, too. I am very glad this daughter has a support system in her corner.

I understand...

Since starting this TTC journey, I have found so much comfort in the shared stories of other families walking the same path.  Some, like me, are facing secondary infertility.  The unexpected difficulty in conceiving hit hard and the perceived slight that some in the community offer as if secondary infertility isn't "real" infertility has been a shared sentiment.  In other cases, also like mine, the culprit seem seems to lie with the males.  Test results showed abnormal counts, abnormal shapes, or abnormal movement. Then there were PCOS cases, unexplained fertility cases, endometriosis cases, and so many more.

Somewhere in all of the diagnoses and all of the treatments, this secret society was born.  #TTC or trying to conceive sisters were born.  Women who knew the struggle of daily blood draws and hormone injections.  Women who fought the battle of baby envy and baby-related event withdrawal. They just didn't speak to each other.  The kept their stories to themselves.  Sometimes it was a feeling of shame, of failure.  Sometimes it was a perception of embarrassment.  Whatever the reason, it was a silent cry that repeated itself over and over again.  But that's starting to change.

A couple of days ago, a beautiful woman whom I have never met shared a video on her social media account of another beautiful woman who was also trying to conceive.  This woman had a strong following in the social media world.  Her grace and character was felt in every post.  But this post was different.  This post was a letter of pure, open, raw, and unadulterated honesty.  It spoke of her pain and journey with infertility.  Her emotions.  Her pain.  She was effectively "coming out".  More than that, she was becoming a beacon of light for so many.

That woman will never know how many lives she has impacted by being open, honest, and transparent.  She will never know how many people are so appreciative for her stepping into the public eye and sharing something that so many others think should remain private.  This woman spoke eloquently of her experiences with infertility and I am so glad she did.

I knew she understood.  I knew she wouldn't judge me for crying at a pregnant belly or sobbing in the shower after multiple pregnancy announcements.  I knew she wouldn't give me a side eye for peeing on multiple sticks on multiple days.  She would understand.

That's one of the reasons I started writing this blog.  I wanted to do something similar.  I wanted people who have the desire to read to know that they are no alone.  Someone else is with them, supporting them, hoping for them.  Someone else cares.

And today I need the support of the #TTC community more than ever.  Today, S. and I have had to face the sobering reality that an IVF is not financially feasible at this time.  A recent company acquisition by a new buyer has found my husband and his department without employment.  He's been there for over 8 years and has made some very close friendships.  A testament to his heart, he is more worried about his colleagues than himself.  Of course the timing sucks.

We were looking into financing options for the IVF as other options were exhausted.  Unfortunately, without employment, everything must stop even though I am still gainfully employed and there are other sources of income available.  So, I have to call the RE on Monday to cancel our upcoming appointment unless something changes between now and next month.

We won't stop trying to conceive.  Never that.  But, at least for now, we'll continue trying to do things the old-fashioned way.

Have a great evening.

Moving forward

It's been a few days since I've written.  I've had a few emotions to get through.  I don't know if it's hormonal residuals or cycle induced extra, but whatever it is; it's driving me crazy.  I read a infertility related post recently that said every failed infertility attempt was like getting through the grieving process all over again.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I've been grieving.

After I took the HPT for my first IUI and received the negative result, I already told myself that it wasn't really negative.  It was just too soon.  I rationalize.  I convinced myself that I should have taken the test with morning urine and not afternoon.  I had a thousand excuses.  Then, I quickly went to anger...and on to bargaining..and then the depression.  I've managed to go full cycle with accepting that IUI#1 was a failure.  What I was not expecting was the wave of emotions that followed.

This past weekend, my family and I attended a work function.  It was a very nice event, well catered, well entertained, and very enjoyable.  When I walked in, I was introduced to a young woman who was very pregnant.  I felt giddy.  Seriously, I can't explain that one.  I was so immensely happy for this woman whom I'd never met before.  She and her husband explained that they were having child number three.  I remember just feeling really excited for this family, and that was just odd for me because I am not one to randomly cheese (smile) and go haywire. Nor am I one to get extremely excited over strangers with burgeoning bellies.

Fast forward to today and my emotions were all over the place.  I woke up and didn't want to go into the office.  I didn't want to deal with anyone.  I just wanted to be left alone.  I knew my cycle was still on, but it was just about over (TMI).  So my hormones should not be this bad, but they are.  I got to work this morning to emails that just sent me in a sour mood.  I went to a meeting that I was not scheduled to attend where I was designated to complete a task I wasn't scheduled to complete.

When I went home, I was well aware that my mood was not exactly the best.  I was frustrated and short-tempered...unintentionally so.  My son said "Mommy, you're cranky.  You sound frustrated".  That made me feel like the worst person in the world because I never want anyone in my family to feel like they are a bother or frustration to me, especially not my little ones.  Then S. called with a needed "favor" and I ended up needing to leave the house to run an errand when I was limited on time.  I finally got everything done I was trying to do and made it back to the house only to leave immediately thereafter for choir rehearsal.

It was when I got to choir rehearsal that things took a crazy turn.  While in the middle of rehearsing a song, in walked one of my girlfriends with her beautiful pregnant belly that had to have grown by leaps and bounds this week.  In she walked and the moment I saw her belly, tears started falling.  I mean lots of tears and sobs and I was a mess.  We were fortunately in a song of worship so I was able to stop and get myself together, but oh my goodness.  What in the world is going on?!

I don't know if anyone else has experienced a crazy overboard of emotions after a medicated fertility cycle, but I have to admit, I'm not looking forward to what IVF #1 will bring if IUI#1 cooked this up.

Oh. my. goodness.

Have a great night.