Showing posts with label comfort zones. Show all posts

Blocked, deleted, and called a racist

The past few days have been filled with strife for the nation. There have been countless peaceful protests and horribly, there have been terrible riots and violence. It’s been awful and unproductive. I’ve posted on my personal social media pages several times that violence and rioting had no place in this protest—no matter who you were. I’ve condemned violence. I’ve celebrated people of all races and ethnicities coming together. I’ve also shared my thoughts and fears.

I recently posted the below on a personal account:

“I had a lady tell me that I have no idea what it's like to have your husband leave the house every day and have no idea if he is going to come back home in the evening. He's an LEO. I told her that I live it every day, not only my husband, but my son, and my fathers, brothers, brothers in love, nephews, etc.

I have plenty of LEOs in my family, so I get it. But I've been black my entire life and I get THAT more. #imjustsaying

Weekend Recap: Not just existing...but living

Hello, everyone. This weekend I had the very sad task of supporting a friend at her mother’s funeral. Her mom was in her 60s. She wasn’t old. She was smart. She was well-loved. She was respected. She was gone. In the twinkling. Seriously, she was up and talking to her oldest daughter and then several hours later, she was gone.

The email that shared her passing was so raw, so painful. It read simply “Mom’s gone”. I knew what it meant immediately. My heart dropped when I read the words. Still, I asked “What do you mean gone?” And there was the conversation. A few days later, Saturday, I found myself and Honeybee strapped into carseats and seatbelts and on our way to support a young woman I’ve known for over 25 years.

At the funeral, I sat behind my girlfriend at her request. I willed her my strength and love as she rolled to the front of the funeral attendees and read a poem for her mother. The poem was beautiful. It was absolutely beautiful. But there was a line. One line that stopped me and has stuck with me ever since. She wrote to her mother “You taught me how to live and not just to exist”. That buried itself within me. It really did.

I’m 35 years old and, while I love the life that God has blessed me with, I had to ask myself “Am I living or am I existing”. I have to admit my life has settled into a rather predictable routine despite my desperate attempts otherwise. I get up about the same time every morning. I say my prayer, which is unfortunately not near as intimate as it should be. I get up, wash and brush teeth, and then get dressed. I walk into Honeybee’s room and pop on the light. The same greeting of “Good morning” greets her and she smiles at the routine. I hear Superbug walk toward his room and he gives his good morning hugs. I go through my routine. Making sure Honeybee potties. Making sure she’s dressed. Making sure the children eat. Making sure Honeybee says goodbye to her grandmother and father. Making sure I leave the house at the same time Superbug exits to stand at the bus stop. Sure enough there comes his bus and I wave as it drives by and he within.

The rest of the routine stays the same.  A drop off, an office arrival, email checks and meetings until work day end, followed by a pick up and a home arrival for dinner and whatever extra curricular activity lurks.  It's always the same.  It actually has me I just existing?

Last July, I wrote this cool 35 while 35 list of things I'd like to accomplish before I turned 36.  While some of them are a bit outside of my comfort zone, most of them are 'safe' and predictable.  There isn't a legacy with them.  When I pass, whenever God calls me home, I certainly hope I will have left a positive impact on someone's life.  I don't want to leave a hollow existence.

So, I'm hoping to create a vision board.  Several close friends of mine use them and have had very great results with them.  I want to do one for long term goals and one for short term goals.  Let's see how it helps me. Let's see if I accomplish more and live instead of  just existing.



It's September!  Woohoo!  This month ushers in a bunch of "new" experiences and milestones in our family.  Superbug returns to school in a few more days.  Honeybee begins her first day in the toddler room tomorrow.  FatherWinter and I started our first week of classes at the accredited Bible college at our church.  FatherWinter's first class was last night.  Mine was tonight!  How is that for new experiences?

I am currently taking Gifts of the Spirit.  I started off wanting to take the class simply to learn more about what God wills for my life, what my purpose in Him is, and what He wants me to accomplish while I am on Earth.  Some how that ended up with my signing up to begin degree coursework toward a new Bachelor degree!  I'm still not sure I'm quite on board with that one, but I'm willing to ride this out to see where it leads.  I really enjoyed tonight's first class and am looking forward to a very inspirational and important season.  Somehow I think this is going to be bigger and more important to me than I even realize.

Speaking of important, I learned some important new information for Superbug tonight.  Superbug's bus schedule arrived and since there are more students in the neighborhood route now (new subdivisions), Superbug's bus will come ten minutes earlier than it has for the past two years.  When I told him, he was kind of taken aback.  (Smile).  He figured it meant his morning schedule would back up by ten minutes from now on.  He's right, but I am not complaining.  Because Superbug's bus typically picked him up later in the morning, I would always get to work about 9:15 since I didn't leave for work until he was safely onboard and couldn't get to work until Honeybee was dropped.  With him on the bus ten minutes earlier, I can get to work earlier by a few minutes and that extra time is appreciated.

We find out tomorrow who Superbug will have as his teacher for the upcoming school year?  He's anxious to find out.  He'll meet the teacher and view his classroom this week at Open House.  Then it's all out planning for the next few weeks' activities.  I was looking at the calendar today and it's a busy month!

We have our NFL Fantasy Draft Cookout/Potluck, then Superbug has his first day of school, our friend and her fiance get married on the same day as Superbug's birthday (which we're celebrating that evening), followed by a baby shower for my sister in law, and prayerfully a finalization notice for Honeybee's adoption is coming soon.  Truth be told, October is my favorite month, but September is quickly giving it a run for the money.  Especially with all of these fun activities scheduled.  Stay tuned!


Maybe God is trying to tell me something

Have you ever been prayed for something so fervently for so long and then, when you didn't see it manifesting itself, you stopped praying for it?  Not because you didn't believe that God could do it, but because maybe you were just tired of seeing it not happening and figured it wasn't in God's will. [And] Just because you didn't ask or talk to God about it didn't mean the desire left you.

Well, I prayed quite some time ago that God make me over.  I asked Him to remove the things in my life and heart that weren't of Him.  I asked him to make me in His image.  Even in doing so, I acknowledged that the process could get messy, but I wanted it.  I truly yearned for it.  Then, one day, when I felt like I wasn't really seeing the progress I thought that I should see, I stopped praying for it. I didn't stop hoping for it, desiring it, but I stopped going to God about it.  I don't know why it didn't dawn on me that God is still well aware of the desires of my heart.

The past few months have been very trying.  I have found myself depending more and more on God and less and less on me.  That's a good thing, but it's hard.  My moment of's one of the hardest things I'm learning in my life.  I have always had this pure acknowledgement that I am nothing without Christ and that I am worthy of nothing without Him.  But, in pure honesty, there were/are some areas in my life that are not what they should be.  One of those things is my blatant refusal to step out of my comfort zone.  What's wrong with that, you ask?  Well, I have purposely not done things that I believed were God's desire for my life.  Yep, I said it.  I'm not proud of it either.

Quite some time ago, I had the opportunity to make a career move with quite a sizable income increase.  It was during a time where I was approaching the end of one contract and needed another one immediately.  The interview went okay.  I honestly thought I could have done loads better.  I wasn't as confidant about this position as I asked questions and answered those thrown at me.  I walked away thinking I wouldn't be offered the position.  I was quite surprised when the opposite occurred and I was offered the position with quite a large increase.  BUT, it was something completely and totally out of my comfort zone.  It was something I thought I could possibly do, but something that I didn't really feel comfortable doing.  It would be a very steep learning curve. It was a lot of responsibility and put me in the front, in a managerial role.  I didn't want that.  I was and am much more comfortable in a supporting role.  I don't need my name in lights.  I don't even need you to know that I did it.  A simple thank you is sufficient.  Even without one, I'm good.  The fact that this position would be in front of everyone and good, bad, or indifferent I would be the go-to person bothered me a lot.  I talked to FatherWinter about it.  I prayed about it.  I felt like there was a reason I was there, but I was afraid and out of my comfort zone, and I turned the job down.  Ugh... if this was a test, I failed.

Still, God allowed me to find another job with a smaller increase but something that I was very comfortable in.  It was something I thrived in.  I did well, bought smiles to faces, and have enjoyed small luxuries like a shorter commute and the ability to be present for my son's school functions. These things are very important to me.  So, I was admittedly unprepared for recent developments.

Two days ago, I was asked if I would consider taking a position still within the company, but outside of the main office that would have me in a terrible commute at least part of my work week, would cause inconvenience for my family and I, and would take me completely and totally out of my comfort zone. I discussed with my family, thought about it, and quite frankly because of fear of comfort zones, I turned it down.  But even as I did so, something within me knew that wasn't the last I'd hear of it.

Fast forward to today.  This afternoon, I received an email from Honeybee's social worker regarding the upcoming TPR.  I talked to her on the phone regarding some information about our Honeybee's hearing and the frustrations that are still there and the fear that subtly exists as well.  I got off the phone feeling drained and in need of some kind of light.  I called a very good sister in Christ who helped to calm me down without even knowing all the dirty details (I so love her for respecting the privacy of Honeybee's case) and prayed for me.  After that conversation and the frustrations of the day,  I returned to my work space only to log on to my computer and read an email request to come to my supervisor's office when I was free.

There, I was informed of some major shake ups in the company that could possibly remove our entire office.  Because of the shakeup, employees would need to make adjustments to ensure they were able to be employed full-time.  I would need to reconsider my comfort zones...and the position.  Sigh....Good one, Father.

Funny.  This isn't the first time I've been invited to attend a position in this location and in this area.  I keep finding myself returning to it.  I feel like Jonah.  I don't want to.  Unlike Jonah, I don't feel like I'm being directed that way, but...aren't I if every other door is closing?

This morning I woke up with a lot of heaviness.  I didn't know why and I didn't like it.  My daily devotion email said:

"For those of you, My people, who are stressed because of your work load or circumstances, take a deep breath.  I tell you truthfully that everything is going to be all right.  No need to worry.  Take every opportunity to relax even it it is for a few minutes, and re-focus on knowing you have My Spirit to comfort you and lead you to peace and safety, says the Lord.  You are not alone.  Psalms 31: 3 For You are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me."

That read like some pretty sturdy guidance to me.  So, I've tried to proactively schedule some me time...some real me time.  Not me time like sitting in a restaurant reading or even scheduling a massage.  I plan on scheduling some time just for me to sit down in a quiet and beautiful setting and have an earnest talk to God.

Until I get to that place and space, I'll just continue to pray to God from wherever I am and ask Him what He wants me to do next.

Still, I make no qualms about it.  I am so outside of my comfort zone.  I don't like it.  But I do believe that what God has planned is better than anything I could ever plan for myself.  So, please continue to pray for me and my family.   It would certainly be appreciated.