Showing posts with label TMI. Show all posts

Still no Aunt Flo...

So, on the 17th of July, I posted on my Instagram feed last night that my cycle had not arrived per schedule. I was cramping alerting me to her presence, but nothing was there. I didn’t test at first (I was proud of myself for that one too). I just figured Aunt Flo would arrive the next day. 

When I woke on the 18th of July, my nipples were so sore I could barely touch them (TMI). Not a big deal as they do this every single cycle. So, I just knew I would see Aunt Flo.  Well…she didn't show. So, I did take a test. I took an 88-cent cheapie from Walmart. #BFN.  

 I thought the possibility of a line could have been there and then shook my head recognizing the shadow of indent. So, there I was two days late, cramping, and still waiting for Aunt Flo, hoping that maybe she wouldn't arrive.  Fast forward to yesterday morning and I woke up with the same sore nipples, and a pinch in my lower right side.  No worries I thought.  Aunt Flo is probably here.  I went to the bathroom and nothing.

I had an all day meeting yesterday and decided, during break, that I would get a HPT since it was now approaching the completion of day 3 without Aunt Flo.  Took the first test as soon as I came back to the office and........#BFN :(  Nothing.  

I was driving home last night and the pinching cramp returned along with back pain.  I am familiar with that during times of #PMS, so I chalked it up to a late arrival for some reason.  However, I had another digital test last evening and decided to take it.  It took forever to count down, but eventually it revealed that once again, I have a #BFN.

So, I've given my body permission (sound goofy but sometimes I think my mind and body want this so badly that it subconsciously holds the release just so I don't go through my stages of grief again.  But seriously, if I'm out, I'm ready to be out and to try something different next month.

We know IVF is still going to be our best bet, but we are limited on when and what we can do with funds being tight.  Still, God is able and I believe that if it is His will, we'll conceive--one way or another.

I'll keep you updated. Keep us in your prayers.


Here we go again...

Hello boys and girls.  Today, we're going to play our favorite game...'let's SYMPTOM CHECK'.  It's the #infertility, #ttc community's favorite game where after ovulation, every tweak, twinge, cramp, craving, and mood swing means a possible pregnancy.  Life lines include manual #pregnancytests, digital pregnancy tests, and our personal favorite--guesstimation.  Prizes are the most amazing of all. We could have a #BFP and 9 months of pure joy or a #BFN and another 32 days of reliving the grief process all over again.  Ready to play?

Sorry, that was a bit long, wasn't it.  But it's accurate.  I'm sitting here typing this blog post well aware that according to every fertility app I possess, I am supposed to test for pregnancy in four days.  I've been trying really hard not to symptom check, but we all know how that goes.  My CM is creamy, each and every day.  That's supposed to be an indicator or pregnancy.  BUT, I am also feeling cramps on the lower right quadrant, right under and across from my belly button.  That could pre-period.  I've been craving sugar and carbs like crazy.  That's pre-period...but it's also a sign of early pregnancy according to Baby Center.  Then, I wanted water.  I drink water a lot anyway, but I have been downing it like crazy lately.  Then the cramps come back and pinch.  Which really means pregnancy...right?  Ugh!  So, I never said I was great at this game.

All of that being put out there, I'm trying very hard not to think about the symptoms because I don't want to psyche myself up and then be disappointed all over.  I guess that means no Youtube live pregnancy test videos and no googling pregnancy symptoms-unusual.

Sigh.  I'll keep you all posted and let you know one way or another in a few days.  Talk to you then.


His facade is slipping (the birthday episode)

I'm so sorry that I've been out of pocket!  The last couple of days have been very busy in our household.  S. recently celebrated a birthday.  I made sure to shower him with all of his favorites and his birthday wish list.  He wanted a special breakfast that morning.  Granted.  I made sure to capture his favorite fruit and have it available for lunch.  Granted.  I went to his favorite bakery and procured his favorite birthday cake...twice when the baker got the order incorrect...Granted.  I got his favorite ribs and his favorite over loaded sides.  Granted.  Much desired gifts were given.  I made sure that he received gifts that he both wanted and needed.  At the end of the evening, S. was very happy.

The very next day, our baby girl celebrated her birthday.  I made sure cupcakes were present at the daycare, gifts were ready to be opened when she returned, her birthday candles blown out on her birthday cake.  Later, after everyone was sleeping soundly, S. and I took advantage of it also being #ttc week for me and celebrated with each other with an impromptu in home date-night.
Yep, it is the week of ovulation.  Because my body does it's own thing, S. and I know only that it occurs this week and the suspected spike of actual ovulation days.  But my body (and my trusty app) has let me know that this week is go week.  And S. knew it.  S. has done everything possible to ensure conception.  He's raising my hips after we baby dance.  He's placing pillows and having me lie very still.  These are all things we've heard of before, even implemented occasionally, but now it seems hard wired into him.  Today, we were catching up on our favorite sports show and he had his hand resting on my stomach and would occasionally rub it to "talk to the baby".  I hope above hope that this is the month for us, but I do not want S. to be disappointed.

I would wonder why now does it seem so strong, so necessary, but I think I know.  I believe that birthday hit him.  It reminded him that we've been trying for a while and that he has still yet to conceive a child naturally with me.  Our beautiful children are amazing and wonderful.  There are no "step" anything in our family nor any other designation.  But, it does remain that our children are those conceived from a previous relationship and adoption respectively.  I would love for him to know the joy of being there from the very beginning, from the moment of conception, from the first heartbeat, and first inutero kick.  I'd love for him to know the joy of new and wonderful development stages.  I think this is what is driving him this week.

And I want it for him.  S. is an amazing father.  Amazing!  He is so kind, so sweet, so patient.  I would love to carry his child.  I just don't want to see the look of sadness in his eyes if it doesn't happen this month.  I think it will be a stronger blow than usual.  I truly think conception is his birthday wish.

Sigh.  So, what does that mean?  Well, for now, it means that I do the same as I always do.  We will continue to try and conceive.  We are still trying to do so naturally until we can afford an IVF cycle, which our RE believes if our best option to conceive.  I have said it before and will continue to say that I don't understand why our jobs allow for coverage of abortions, but refuse to cover the costs of infertility treatments.

Hope everyone is having a great evening.  I'll do better about keeping you apprised.  Talk to you soon.


Wishful Thinking and Daniel Fasting (TMI allllll the way through this one)

Hello!  I'm hoping all is well with you.  It's been a few days since I've had a chance to write, but i figured I would share a bit of what's going on in my world.  Earlier this week, I had an interesting episode occur.  And here is where the TMI occurs.  I visited the ladies room at work and discovered there was quite a bit more cervical mucus than usual.  It was of the extra creamy variety (sorry, sorry, I know…TMI).  My cycle was about  8 days or so away and while I am used to a bit of discharge leading up to a cycle, this was so much more than that.
Almost immediately, my body let me know not to get my hopes up.  I started cramping...a lot .  That was even earlier than usual.  So, all this week, my mind and I have been going back and forth over what the cramps could mean.  My side sounds something like this:

could be pregnant.  The cramps could be implantation cramping or uterine cramping or anything related to pregnancy.

My mind eagerly destroys that and speaks things like:

It’s probably pre-menstrual cramping.  The same you get every month.  The same you’ve gotten every month for almost four years.  The discharge?  Yeah, it’s a little more, but you have been inhaling water this week.  Extra moisture, extra release.

Ugh, my subconscious annoys me.  The fact is S. and I are still actively trying without trying to give away to the other that we are hoping that this time is the “it”  time.  We’re in a waiting pattern for when we can try assisted fertility treatments again and so we’re limited to “the old fashioned way”.  That being said, it doesn’t appear to be working.

So, fast forward to today and  I’m sitting here again hoping that the tweaks in my breasts and the cramps on the right side of my abdomen are good news and not another defeat.  In the meantime, I suppose it’s not a bad idea to find out if the fertility diet I read about really works?

Speaking of diets and eating properly, tomorrow is the start of the DanielFast.  Our church family is doing it for the month of February.  I'm very excited about it.  Not because of any of the weight attribution aspects, but because of the opportunity to get a deeper understanding in God.

I've been praying about a few things for quite some times.  Still, I am not where I want to be in my walk with Christ and feel like there is more that He would have from me.  When our Pastor announced he would like the church congregants to join him in the Daniel Fast, I was excited.  Maybe the devotion and prayer time is exactly what I need to see where God is going to take me in the upcoming year.

Either way, I think I am looking forward to the journey.  If I get healthier from it, all the better.  If I get a stronger relationship in Christ, better still.

I'll keep you updated on these symptoms.  


Moving forward

It's been a few days since I've written.  I've had a few emotions to get through.  I don't know if it's hormonal residuals or cycle induced extra, but whatever it is; it's driving me crazy.  I read a infertility related post recently that said every failed infertility attempt was like getting through the grieving process all over again.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe I've been grieving.

After I took the HPT for my first IUI and received the negative result, I already told myself that it wasn't really negative.  It was just too soon.  I rationalize.  I convinced myself that I should have taken the test with morning urine and not afternoon.  I had a thousand excuses.  Then, I quickly went to anger...and on to bargaining..and then the depression.  I've managed to go full cycle with accepting that IUI#1 was a failure.  What I was not expecting was the wave of emotions that followed.

This past weekend, my family and I attended a work function.  It was a very nice event, well catered, well entertained, and very enjoyable.  When I walked in, I was introduced to a young woman who was very pregnant.  I felt giddy.  Seriously, I can't explain that one.  I was so immensely happy for this woman whom I'd never met before.  She and her husband explained that they were having child number three.  I remember just feeling really excited for this family, and that was just odd for me because I am not one to randomly cheese (smile) and go haywire. Nor am I one to get extremely excited over strangers with burgeoning bellies.

Fast forward to today and my emotions were all over the place.  I woke up and didn't want to go into the office.  I didn't want to deal with anyone.  I just wanted to be left alone.  I knew my cycle was still on, but it was just about over (TMI).  So my hormones should not be this bad, but they are.  I got to work this morning to emails that just sent me in a sour mood.  I went to a meeting that I was not scheduled to attend where I was designated to complete a task I wasn't scheduled to complete.

When I went home, I was well aware that my mood was not exactly the best.  I was frustrated and short-tempered...unintentionally so.  My son said "Mommy, you're cranky.  You sound frustrated".  That made me feel like the worst person in the world because I never want anyone in my family to feel like they are a bother or frustration to me, especially not my little ones.  Then S. called with a needed "favor" and I ended up needing to leave the house to run an errand when I was limited on time.  I finally got everything done I was trying to do and made it back to the house only to leave immediately thereafter for choir rehearsal.

It was when I got to choir rehearsal that things took a crazy turn.  While in the middle of rehearsing a song, in walked one of my girlfriends with her beautiful pregnant belly that had to have grown by leaps and bounds this week.  In she walked and the moment I saw her belly, tears started falling.  I mean lots of tears and sobs and I was a mess.  We were fortunately in a song of worship so I was able to stop and get myself together, but oh my goodness.  What in the world is going on?!

I don't know if anyone else has experienced a crazy overboard of emotions after a medicated fertility cycle, but I have to admit, I'm not looking forward to what IVF #1 will bring if IUI#1 cooked this up.

Oh. my. goodness.

Have a great night.


CIBH: (TMI) I have a love/hate relationship with ovulation

This post is a part of my Can I Be Honest (CIBH) series. It reflects emotions that are a bit more sensitive and open than other posts. It also is a post with a bit of Too Much Information (TMI), specifically for referencing on hormones and femininity. If that isn’t something you are comfortable with, this post may not be for you.

It's that time again...
It’s that time again. That time of the month where I go from sweet to near psychotic in seconds. Nope, not that time of the month. The other one. Ovulation. In my world of fluctuating hormones and infertility, the mere thought of ovulation is an annoyance to me.