Showing posts with label BFP. Show all posts

FET Update: Beta #1- 976!

Oh my goodness!  I am sitting here still not quite sure of how to react.  I don't feel pregnant.  Besides a bit of nausea, I don't feel anything.  But God is good and my test results say that I am definitely pregnant.  I don't know if there is one or two little ones in there, but someone is there and someone is fighting to hang around.  I'm so thankful.

Wow!  God really is amazing!  So, if the information on the due date calculator is correct, I am 4 weeks, 4 days pregnant today.  My due date is August 9, 2018.  This is surreal.  Wow.  I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant.

Wow....Beta #1 is 976.  Wow!!!!

What I wish they wouldn't say


It’s been a few days since we announced via social media the news of our pregnancy. Even before the news broke and people started noticing the bump, we started getting comments. Most are congratulatory, but several have the ‘magic wand’ effect (as I call it) included. One by one, I started receiving congratulations that sounded like this:

“You’re pregnant?!...

I knew you would get pregnant!...

Didn’t I tell you as soon as you adopted your daughter, you’d get pregnant?...

That’s what happens. It’s like your body becomes a natural incubator.

I told you that’s what would happen!”

And I stand there with a forced smile on my face, thank them for their celebration, and excuse myself as quickly as possible. Call it hormones. Call it being oversensitive, but I loathe this conversation every time it occurs. First, we didn’t adopt to get pregnant and we certainly didn’t adopt and and just “get pregnant”. It didn’t happen. It wasn’t supposed to happen. My husband and I spent time, money, tears, sweat, blood, and pain to get pregnant. My body was pumped full of hormones and all sorts of fun side effects blessed me as my body struggled to do what was asked of it. This wasn’t a “just happen” situation.

Secondly, and what bothers me the most, is the underlying insinuation that our daughter’s adoption was purely so that we could conceive biologically later. If I were a cursing woman….tons of them would erupt right here. My husband and I have always know that we would adopt. We talked about it well before we were married. I come from a family that embrace foster care and adoption. There are no adjectives in front of the names of the children who have been adopted or fostered in our family. They are simply cousins, sisters, daughters, sons, etc. There is no additional caveat needed. People say things like this in front of my daughter. She is only three, but she is very observant. I never want her to think that her birth and place in our family is diminished because she isn’t blood. UGH!

Then, there is the big one. The HUGE one that I have had to correct TWO different relatives on. Shortly after our adoption was finalized with our daughter, one of the relatives remarked that now we “could focus on having a child of our own”. I IMMEDIATELY corrected her and said “SHE IS OUR OWN” in a voice that brooked no debate. She meekly replied that of course she knew that and I knew what she meant. My response was she needed to say it better. Our daughter is our daughter and nothing else. The fact that she said it was annoying to me since she married into a family with children of her own. Of course, she should know better!

This past weekend, a relative discovered we were pregnant. I actually thought she knew, but somehow she missed the close family announcement. Anyway, she hugged me, rubbed my belly, and said that she had just been praying to God and asking Him when would He bless my husband with a child of his own because our eldest “isn’t his” and our daughter “also isn’t his”. I was purple with anger and that’s pretty hard for me to do considering I’m a woman of color. I couldn’t even rebuke. I was that upset.

I know people don’t mean it as they say it. So, I don’t need the “oh they don’t know”. Words mean things. They can hurt and they can maim. My mother and father didn’t raise me. I called my great-grandmother “Mama”. I will never forget a cousin from ‘up North’ visiting and saying that I shouldn’t call her “Mama” because I didn’t belong to her. My great-grandmother was in ear shot and solidly admonished the cousin, but I remember feeling very hurt by the comment. I knew she wasn’t my mother, but I’d never been called out about it. It bothers me sometimes even as an adult. I can’t see having my child endure the same thing.

Look. I write all of this to say be careful what you say. If you want to congratulate someone on conceiving, say so. Congratulations works fine. Don’t add to it. Don’t diminish it. Our children are ALL our children and have been loved as such from the beginning. If that isn’t your frame of mind, don’t speak.

Have a great day, everyone. I’ll write again soon.

-K



-K

Happy Graduation Day!!!!

DISCLAIMER: This post contains information about our pregnancy. Because I know all too well how these kinds of posts may affect my fellow #ttcsisters and #ttcbrothers, I include this disclaimer to forewarn you. I understand how much these posts can sting and promise to continue to add the disclaimer on any post that may be related to this pregnancy (assuming viability) so that you may have the option to bow out of reading. I understand.)


Hello everyone.  Today,our little bean passed a major hurdle in this journey.  Today was graduation day from the fertility clinic.  I  had no idea how nervous I actually was.  I went in and the receptionist said that I didn't have to sign in.  So, I sat down and waited to be called.  It seemed like forever and when my name was called I walked into the sonography room and prepped for the doctor.

'Please let there be a heartbeat' kept repeating itself over and over again in my head.

The sonographer inserted "Wanda" and pretty soon there was our little bean on the screen.  I zeroed in to the heart immediately.  It was just flickering away.  The official count was 173 beats per minute. Baby was so much larger than last time and was a bit active today.

The tears flowed and it was a beautiful moment.


The staff was kind enough to leave the video of the baby's heartbeat on the screen and let me record it on my phone.  I recorded it for S. who wasnt't able to join me today.  

When we left, the doctor gave me a copy of my records and off I left.  This afternoon, the family went to bible study and was just overjoyed at the Word and the fellowship.  Our pastor knows our story and has been praying with my husband for quite some time.

He came over and gave us hugs and prayed over our little one in utero.  His wife, a beautiful woman, shed tears of joy for us.  The support system has been amazing.  While our church family don't know our struggle with infertility, I think a large portion of them guessed something was awry when the years passed and we didn;t conceive.  No one has ever said anything, but their prayers have been obvious and their joy (those who know) has been wonderful.

There are still so many emotions that I have going on in my head and I promise to share all of them soon.  Right now, however, I just want a nap.

So I will write you all again soon.  Have a great evening.

-K


Why I haven’t updated my IG profile with our BFP

I spend quite a bit of free time on my social media pages, especially my #TTC Instagram profile. I like to scroll through the news feed and celebrate all of the good news and offer comfort and prayers where I can for the not so good news. I love seeing names change to reflect pregnancies and positive changes. I like seeing the bio portion of profiles with “#BFP” and positive signs. Some change them after positive betas, others change them after that line on the pregnancy test. Me? I haven’t changed anything yet. I actually think I might have confused a couple of new followers as my bio states I’m still going through IVF/ICSI right now. That’s kind of true. But I am out of the TWW wait and confirmation has been given that betas are rising. I could update to a BFP. But…I can’t, at least not right now.

I need to see him, her…them…our baby(ies). I need to know that there are heartbeats and that they are measuring okay. I need to know that everything is snuggled in and content and happy. I feel awful even typing it because I know that faith is not in sight. It’s the substance of things hoped for. It is the evidence of things not seen. I feel like Thomas doubting the wonderful news of Christ’s resurrection. I get it’s not quite that serious, but you can see the comparison. I feel like God has gifted us with this great blessing and I am not yet able to completely enjoy it.

Every time I wake up without a cramp or a wave of nausea, I worry. Then I pray. And God, in His grace, is usually kind enough to send assurance that I am still carrying a while later .(Thank you, Father.) Yesterday, we received our third beta and it rose significantly from beta #2, but it didn’t double and I was worried. Then the nurse told me that I shouldn't  worry because the increase is so significant and they don’t care about the doubling more than the increase. I still called my sister-friend though (who has been through IVF herself).

She reminded me that I need to treat this pregnancy as a first. It doesn’t matter that I had a pregnancy a decade ago. Everything here is new. This is my first assisted fertility pregnancy. There are new things that I don’t understand. Medicines I didn’t have to take during my first pregnancy I take this time. There are new tests, experiences, etc. She encouraged me to embrace this pregnancy as a first time experience with the added benefit of having experienced some of this before. Read my pregnancy books and blogs. Be cautious. It was great advice.

Today, I continue to move forward. S. and I called the RE office to schedule our first OB Ultrasound. We’re scheduled for Wednesday morning at 9AM. Our doctor will be out of the office next week, but the other doctor will be in. We’ll get to see what God has decided to do.

We have also decided that if all goes well, we will tell our parents after the ultrasound. I’m praying for good news. We appreciate them all very much!

I will write you all again soon.

-K





IVF #2: Beta #2- 4,258!

(This post will contain thoughts on this pregnancy and also the journey to get to this point. Because I know all too well how these kinds of posts may affect my fellow #ttcsisters and #ttcbrothers, I include this disclaimer to forewarn you. Furthermore, I will continue to do so on any post that may be related to this pregnancy (assuming viability) so that you may have the option to bow out of reading. It is not my intent to turn this blog into all things BFP, so I will make sure to try and keep things as open as possible while being sensitive to the stages that all our us are in per our respective journeys).
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Hello everyone. I apologize for disappearing on you. It wasn’t intentional. I got super busy with Christmas planning and haven’t had the luxury of blogging as I wanted. By now you know that on 23 Dec 2016, S. and I received news that we are pregnant. The phone call was amazing and just basking in that knowledge was such a wonderful and God-filled experience.

It wasn’t too much longer that I began to feel bits of confirmation the test was spot on with a huge wave of fatigue and some hints of nausea every once in a while. But, as shared in our post, S. and I are being cautious. We’ve decided not to share the news with our family and friends until we reach the second trimester or unless it becomes obvious, whichever comes first. We don’t want family to be super excited for us and then have to crush that excitement later. This is especially true for S.’s mom who, though much better, is still fighting cancer. So, we’ve enjoyed being pregnant together.

Yesterday was Beta #2. I woke up this morning and was worried that the immediate nausea that has greeted me the past two mornings wasn’t present. I also didn’t feel the heaviness in my breasts I felt last night. I was determined that I wasn’t going to stress too much. I went to the appointment anyway and have felt reminders that something is still going on all day. I was on pins and needles waiting for another beta and, after reading blogs of other fellow #ttc journeymen, I’m not sure I’ll ever stop worrying. Well, maybe after two or three scans. The call usually comes at 2PM. Yesterday,  it didn’t come until 4PM! I was just about to leave for the day when the phone rang.  It was nurse G. and she was spilling the news before I could stop her LOL!  I called S. and conferenced him in, only to be disconnected myself.  No bother, I still heard the results.

Our Beta #2 is 4258! Oh my goodness!!! So, we have another Beta on Thursday and hopefully will be moving toward ultrasound! I am so very excited and so very nervous.

 We’ve been trying for 4 years and 8 months. We may actually be pregnant!  There have been so many times I've squinted over lines that weren't there or cried over lines that were and decided to disappear.  I am so very, very excited.  I'm so very hopeful.  I want to tell everyone, but I then again I don't.  I have already started looking at Pinterest pins and pregnancy apps.  But I'm also cautious. Sometimes, I'll quickly delete a pin or app and say "we don't know what is going to happen".  That isn't fair.

I want to move forward as if our blessing has already arrived because it has.  I have asked God to be pregnant and health.  He's granted that.  That's a blessing.  He may choose to continue blessing S. and I in the future with the birth of a new healthy baby(ies).  If so, that will be another blessing.  I'm thankful just to be considered by Him.

Beta #3 is tomorrow and we'll see what happens.  I am praying for great numbers and a wonderful day.

I will talk with you all soon.

-K

IVF #2: Beta #1= BFP!

Oh my goodness!  Oh my goodness!!!  Hello everyone!  I am on pins and needles, but I have to share today's news with you.

This morning, I couldn't sleep.  I woke up at 3 A.M.  I tried to sleep, but couldn't.  I went down stairs and actually laid on the couch to watch a movie for an hour before finally returning to the bed.  I tossed and turned for a while and then I finally lay down for some sleep.  The alarm woke me not too much later and I hurried myself ready and was out the door.

I gave blood this morning and felt no symptoms.  I even told the nurse that I was hoping and praying for good news, but hadn't felt anything.  When I got home, I was tired.  I mean really tired.  I mean really, really tired.  I was barely able to keep my eyes open and my son asked if I wanted him to sit with his sister so I could rest.  That was very sweet of him.  I figured it was because I woke up so early.  I accepted his offer and took a three hour nap!!!!

Again, I just felt like I overdid it the past couple of days (running around prepping for 20+ people for Christmas Eve dinner).  About 1:35, I realized I missed a call from our nurse and tried calling her back.  It went to voicemail and I called again.  When she picked up, I told her not to say anything before I called S.  I called him and conference called him in.  There, our beautiful nurse A. was beaming ear to ear as she confirmed we ARE pregnant with a beta of 1,375!!!!!!  WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!



Oh my goodness!  I'm so excited, as is S., though he has tried to downplay it a bit.  (The smile gives it away every time).  Nurse A. explained to S. (I already knew) that I will now have 3-4 more betas, with the hope that each will double.  She explained that at 6 weeks, we will have our first ultrasound to see if the heart is beating and to detect how many embryos implanted successfully.  (We reminded her that we transferred two).

I'm so happy, but also so nervous.  I had NO symptoms except cramping.  Now, I have a few..a bit of nausea here and fatigue there.  I don't know if the beta is going to increase.  I hope so.  I hope very much so.

S. and I have agreed not to share the news with any of our family or friends until after the first trimester is over or until we are sure we are at a point of viability.  That sounds so harsh and I hated the discussion, but I understood.  We don't want to bring the family up only to crush them if something should happen.

While they don't know the details of our journey, or our infertility, they do know that children are a desire of ours.

But I refuse to dwell in the low of it.  I am going to smile and enjoy every wave of nausea, every cramp, and every moment of fatigue.  These babies are on board and they are going to stay on board!!!

-K

I love our community

I've said it more than once.  Our #TTC community is amazing!  I've had more support in my virtual family than I could have ever imagined.  But this latest episode?  Oh my am I overwhelmed.

There was no way S. and I could afford another $4K in meds.  I told S. that I was going to contact the #TTC community on IG for assistance.  My honey was skeptical.  I told him it couldn't hurt to try and we'd be no worse off than when we first started.

So, I put out the call for Menopur, Cetrotide, and Gonal-F pens.  Several ladies contacted me.  We were able to connect and discuss what was needed.  Some ladies just contacted to let me know they were sharing my request with others.  Two ladies in particular became saving angels.

In the past four days, I have received all of the items requested plus some beautiful notes of encouragement and #TTC goodies.  I've also shared some laughs and encouraging words behind the DM screen.  I tell you I am humbled.

This community really is amazing.  I don't have enough thank yous in me because there are simply not enough to show the gratitude I have for you all.  This journey is hard.  It's especially hard because S. and I are in this solo.  With the exception of one girlfriend who has successfully walked through this journey herself and one #TTC supporter who successfully delivered her own healthy bundles, no one knows we are having these issues.  Even the supporters don't hear from me often.  It gets frustrating.

Every day I log on to my phone or computer and I see messages of encouragement from #TTCsisters worldwide to each other.  I see you all mourn when a baby receives angel wings.  I see you celebrate when a baby is born.  I see excitement when a #BFP is announced.  I see fierce Mama Bear protectiveness when someone comes insensitively to another sister or brother (I see you all out there and love you too!) walking this journey.  I also see the shared devastation  and support when a #BFN is shared.

If our entire world could embrace the support and love that is found in this community, it would be a powerful thing.  I thank you for that.

I plan to edit this post to include pictures of the meds received and the gifts attached.  I think it is important to see that there are still wonderful people in this world.  S. and I still needed to make some additional purchases, but no where near $4K and that is a HUGE blessing.

Thank you very much and may God Himself cover you with His love and blessings.  My husband and I thank you.

-K

8dp5dt: Just keep swimming

Sorry, I've been a bit absent.  Truth be told, I wanted a little time to catch my breath from the past couple of days.  On 5dp5dt, I was feeling really, really bummed because I didn't feel anything.  By anything, I mean anything.  I have been pregnant before.  I've even had chemical pregnancies advance with pretty convincing symptoms.  This time I felt nothing.  Not even a little bit.  I was disappointed and figured I was out completely.  So, I decided to log onto Instagram and saw several of my fellow #TTCsisters showing pregnancy tests at 5 and 6 days past transfer with faint lines and not so faint lines. I figured if I wasn't feeling anything and the test could confirm that, then at least I would know right?  I am also more than able to admit that there was a part of me that would see a line on my test.  It worked...kind of.

I found a couple of tests still in the house from my last testing frenzy.  The problem is they were blue dye tests.  Every single false positive or chemical pregnancy test result I have ever received has been from a blue dye test.  So, while I didn't want to necessarily put my trust in the test, I used what I had and this happened....

Hope your resolution is up.  There's a faint blue line behind that horizontal.

I had a positive.  Faint, but it was there.  Or was it.  Because I have come to trust the honest opinions of the ladies in our #TTCcommunity, I posted the result and asked for opinions.  Everyone saw the same vertical blue line.  BUT, several of the sisters admonished me to remember what I already knew. Blue dye tests are unreliable.  They asked me to try the first response early response test.

Well, silly me, I grabbed the wrong ones and got the first response rapid response tests instead.  They don't provide early pregnancy results.  So, I came up with this when I tried.

The top two were taken 5dp5dt.  The bottom two were taken at 6dp5t.
The CBs are the only ones that register positive.

There were no clear positives on the FRRR tests.  So, discouraged, I promised myself that I would not test again until beta.  But I was fooling myself.  I was so disappointed because yesterday, all I felt was a bit of nausea.  Even that was come and go.  I just wanted to see the test again.  Just to be sure.

No doubt there, it's negative
And with that, here we are.  I will not test again.  I know the result.  I know that it's done.  I know that we we have to try again.  I know that we are fortunate to have five more chances before it's up for us. I am trying to have hope, but I'm pretty sure this cycle is a loss for us.

I'll keep you updated on Friday when we finally have our 14-day beta.

Have a great day.

-K

Complete Reversal?

I kid you not this two week wait is going to drive me bonkers.  So, against better judgment, I took a HPT this morning and saw an infinitely faint positive line!  BUT it was so faint, I wasn't sure I'd seen anything at all really.

But now my body seems committed to the line.  I've been super tired all day.  I'm cranky.  I'm annoyed.  I'm nauseous.  I'm cramping.  I'm leaking extra wet cervical mucus.  This is crazy!

I haven't even told S. yet.  I'll keep it on the wraps for now, but oh my goodness!!!  HURRY UP!!!