Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts

I love our community

I've said it more than once.  Our #TTC community is amazing!  I've had more support in my virtual family than I could have ever imagined.  But this latest episode?  Oh my am I overwhelmed.

There was no way S. and I could afford another $4K in meds.  I told S. that I was going to contact the #TTC community on IG for assistance.  My honey was skeptical.  I told him it couldn't hurt to try and we'd be no worse off than when we first started.

So, I put out the call for Menopur, Cetrotide, and Gonal-F pens.  Several ladies contacted me.  We were able to connect and discuss what was needed.  Some ladies just contacted to let me know they were sharing my request with others.  Two ladies in particular became saving angels.

In the past four days, I have received all of the items requested plus some beautiful notes of encouragement and #TTC goodies.  I've also shared some laughs and encouraging words behind the DM screen.  I tell you I am humbled.

This community really is amazing.  I don't have enough thank yous in me because there are simply not enough to show the gratitude I have for you all.  This journey is hard.  It's especially hard because S. and I are in this solo.  With the exception of one girlfriend who has successfully walked through this journey herself and one #TTC supporter who successfully delivered her own healthy bundles, no one knows we are having these issues.  Even the supporters don't hear from me often.  It gets frustrating.

Every day I log on to my phone or computer and I see messages of encouragement from #TTCsisters worldwide to each other.  I see you all mourn when a baby receives angel wings.  I see you celebrate when a baby is born.  I see excitement when a #BFP is announced.  I see fierce Mama Bear protectiveness when someone comes insensitively to another sister or brother (I see you all out there and love you too!) walking this journey.  I also see the shared devastation  and support when a #BFN is shared.

If our entire world could embrace the support and love that is found in this community, it would be a powerful thing.  I thank you for that.

I plan to edit this post to include pictures of the meds received and the gifts attached.  I think it is important to see that there are still wonderful people in this world.  S. and I still needed to make some additional purchases, but no where near $4K and that is a HUGE blessing.

Thank you very much and may God Himself cover you with His love and blessings.  My husband and I thank you.

-K

IVF#1: Fail


Our first IVF has failed.  It didn't work.  It was not a success.  It failed.  Writing those words has to be one of the hardest things I've done in a long time.  I couldn't gauge it.  With the IUI, I had a feeling it didn't work.  The count was so low.  Even the doctor didn't have a true look of confidence.  But this time...This time it was different.  Dr. G. was so excited about our embabies.  She called them beautiful.  She called them gorgeous.  The blastocyst was ready.  Its little brother (I assume) was equally beautiful.  I knew one or both would take.

I did the pineapple core and POM.  I rested after retrieval and the evening of transfer.  I was up the next day because the office wanted me up and moving.  I didn't overexert myself.  I stopped jogging. I made sure to eat and take my meds.  I talked to them.  I encouraged them.  But the babies didn't stay. They went back to heaven.  They went back to creation. And the procedure failed.

I waited all day for the phone call.  When nurse A. called, I dialed S.  We'd agreed that we would find out together.  And then she said "Unfortunately" and I knew.  Less than 1.  A negative one.  My beta was a negative one.  I'm not quite sure how a number can be so empty it's negative, but it is and it belongs to me.  I didn't cry. I felt a flash of anger and disappointment wrapped in a white hot ball and I embraced it.

When the call ended, I verbalized "I'm done" and I simply shut down my office computer and walked out the door.  I drove to a parking lot and sat there for about ten minutes in complete silence.  No music.  No radio.  No words.  I just sat there and then I continued the rest of the day.

When S. got home, I didn't want hugs or to be coddled.  I just wanted space...white space, quiet space.  I still haven't received it.  I recognize that my husband is grieving too, so we've embraced. But I haven't been able to open up in what I'm feeling yet.  I honestly don't know.  Someone asked that I not lose faith.

I won't.  Whatever happens in the rest of this journey, I know and believe that God is my rock and in Him will I trust. I recently saw a young woman in our community curse God the other day when she lost her child at ten weeks.  I prayed for her.  Her pain was so real and palpable.  I know she is hurting and I know she professes to be a woman of faith.  I pray that she will be able to seek God again and let Him comfort her in loss and strengthen her is His grace.  We were never promised a life without trouble, trial or tribulation.  If she is reading this blog, I am praying for you and praying peace for you as well.  I didn't lose at ten weeks.  I didn't get to see the heartbeat or hear it beating with promise.  I don't know that ache nor can I pretend I do.  But I loved my babies as you loved yours. I truly believe that there is a purpose in this pain.  While I don't know that we will ever know on this side what that purpose is, I believe that it is for our good no matter how horrible that sounds.  And it is okay to be angry and hurt and disappointed.  Praying so hard for you!!!

My husband is currently sitting beside me being a wonderful husband.  My hormones are a mess and I have been cramping off and on.  I'm simply awaiting Aunt Flo's return.  We talk with our doctor on Tuesday to address where we go from here.  With no babies making it to freeze, we will have to start all the way over.  With most of my medication exhausted, it will be another larger payment that we aren't ready for.  But we will continue.  No matter what.  

Thank you to everyone for every kind word, every encouragement.  You have no idea how much this means to us.  I haven't met any of you.  But I consider all of you a part of my journey and I'm thankful to walk with you.  God bless you and keep all of you.

I will be in touch.
-K


8dp5dt: Just keep swimming

Sorry, I've been a bit absent.  Truth be told, I wanted a little time to catch my breath from the past couple of days.  On 5dp5dt, I was feeling really, really bummed because I didn't feel anything.  By anything, I mean anything.  I have been pregnant before.  I've even had chemical pregnancies advance with pretty convincing symptoms.  This time I felt nothing.  Not even a little bit.  I was disappointed and figured I was out completely.  So, I decided to log onto Instagram and saw several of my fellow #TTCsisters showing pregnancy tests at 5 and 6 days past transfer with faint lines and not so faint lines. I figured if I wasn't feeling anything and the test could confirm that, then at least I would know right?  I am also more than able to admit that there was a part of me that would see a line on my test.  It worked...kind of.

I found a couple of tests still in the house from my last testing frenzy.  The problem is they were blue dye tests.  Every single false positive or chemical pregnancy test result I have ever received has been from a blue dye test.  So, while I didn't want to necessarily put my trust in the test, I used what I had and this happened....

Hope your resolution is up.  There's a faint blue line behind that horizontal.

I had a positive.  Faint, but it was there.  Or was it.  Because I have come to trust the honest opinions of the ladies in our #TTCcommunity, I posted the result and asked for opinions.  Everyone saw the same vertical blue line.  BUT, several of the sisters admonished me to remember what I already knew. Blue dye tests are unreliable.  They asked me to try the first response early response test.

Well, silly me, I grabbed the wrong ones and got the first response rapid response tests instead.  They don't provide early pregnancy results.  So, I came up with this when I tried.

The top two were taken 5dp5dt.  The bottom two were taken at 6dp5t.
The CBs are the only ones that register positive.

There were no clear positives on the FRRR tests.  So, discouraged, I promised myself that I would not test again until beta.  But I was fooling myself.  I was so disappointed because yesterday, all I felt was a bit of nausea.  Even that was come and go.  I just wanted to see the test again.  Just to be sure.

No doubt there, it's negative
And with that, here we are.  I will not test again.  I know the result.  I know that it's done.  I know that we we have to try again.  I know that we are fortunate to have five more chances before it's up for us. I am trying to have hope, but I'm pretty sure this cycle is a loss for us.

I'll keep you updated on Friday when we finally have our 14-day beta.

Have a great day.

-K

CD40 and no Aunt Flo in sight

This is downright frustrating.  My fertility apps like to remind me that there are only three reasons a cycle is late--pregnancy, late ovulation, or no ovulation.  I'm fairly certain I ovulated this month.  The high sex drive, the egg white cervical mucus, the ovulation pain.  Yep, I pretty sure that occurred.  But my cycle is still not here.  So, I'm sitting here trying to figure out what next.

I have taken no less than 8 pregnancy tests within the last eight days.  They have all been negative with the exception of one that was definitely an extremely faint positive and another that showed what could have been the beginnings of a pink line.  Today, on CD40 of a typical 32-day cycle, I received two negatives.

My mood swing kicked in this morning.  I snapped at my nine year old because he went out of the house without lotion on and his legs looked like he swam in flour.  I felt so bad as soon as I did it. His response, "Mom, it's okay.  Is it almost time for your cycle?".  I promise I am not that bad.  He just knows that I can sometimes get cranky around that time of the month.  I felt so awful about it.

I just wish it would come on now.  If I'm not pregnant, there is no need for me to be without a cycle. Let it come on and we can start again or not.

Hopefully, it will be here soon.  BFP or Aunt Flo.  In the meantime, baby dust to all who are ttc.

Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my 36th birthday.  Yep, 36 years old.  I'm okay with the round number.  It feels...good.  I've learned a lot in 36 years and one thing that remains is that I can never stop learning.  I have to keep going, keep growing, keep learning.  So, I'm excited about being 36 years old and still trying to conceive.

A recent conversation with my gynocologist has me declared as advanced maternal age.  Really?  I didn't think that was the case at all.  But apparently, once I got off that 35 year old mark, I became the Old Maid of conception.  Lol.  Good to know as I walk through this season.

Today, I have taken two pregnancy tests as I am now 4 days late.  I made the mistake of grabbing a blue dye test (accidentally) and saw a faint line, but I cannot tell if it is an evap.  So, remembering the fiasco of last month where we (now with confirmation) had a chemical pregnancy, I ran back out and got pink dye...but I haven't taken it.  My nipples are still sore.  I'm still cramping.  I still have a bit of nausea.  These are still symptoms of PMS.  So, we'll see.

In the meantime, I'm having fun enjoying my birthday in peace and quiet.  I pray your day has been perfect and blessed as well.


I'll keep you updated on the tests!

-K

Still no Aunt Flo...

So, on the 17th of July, I posted on my Instagram feed last night that my cycle had not arrived per schedule. I was cramping alerting me to her presence, but nothing was there. I didn’t test at first (I was proud of myself for that one too). I just figured Aunt Flo would arrive the next day. 

When I woke on the 18th of July, my nipples were so sore I could barely touch them (TMI). Not a big deal as they do this every single cycle. So, I just knew I would see Aunt Flo.  Well…she didn't show. So, I did take a test. I took an 88-cent cheapie from Walmart. #BFN.  

 I thought the possibility of a line could have been there and then shook my head recognizing the shadow of indent. So, there I was two days late, cramping, and still waiting for Aunt Flo, hoping that maybe she wouldn't arrive.  Fast forward to yesterday morning and I woke up with the same sore nipples, and a pinch in my lower right side.  No worries I thought.  Aunt Flo is probably here.  I went to the bathroom and nothing.

I had an all day meeting yesterday and decided, during break, that I would get a HPT since it was now approaching the completion of day 3 without Aunt Flo.  Took the first test as soon as I came back to the office and........#BFN :(  Nothing.  

I was driving home last night and the pinching cramp returned along with back pain.  I am familiar with that during times of #PMS, so I chalked it up to a late arrival for some reason.  However, I had another digital test last evening and decided to take it.  It took forever to count down, but eventually it revealed that once again, I have a #BFN.

So, I've given my body permission (sound goofy but sometimes I think my mind and body want this so badly that it subconsciously holds the release just so I don't go through my stages of grief again.  But seriously, if I'm out, I'm ready to be out and to try something different next month.

We know IVF is still going to be our best bet, but we are limited on when and what we can do with funds being tight.  Still, God is able and I believe that if it is His will, we'll conceive--one way or another.

I'll keep you updated. Keep us in your prayers.

-K




7 days post ovulation: I already think I’m out

Well, if you are a follower on my Instagram page, this announcement should come as no shock to you. I think I’m out. Of course, I don’t want to think I’m out, but most assuredly, I do. I have been faithfully charting my basal temperature every morning. I know my control line number now, which is really awesome because I had no idea when I first started this thing. The day before yesterday I got dangerously close to it, but hope my temp would do one of it’s weird little quirks and rise instead. Nope. It dropped again. This morning, it finally went below. The consecutive three day drop in temperature before the arrival of Aunt Flo and five days before I am advised (by apps) to test for my cycle has pretty much let me know NOT to expect a #BFP this month.



Combine that with no symptoms at all. Not a blue veined breast, a nausea spell (beyond the regular one that comes behind my daily prenatal), not a tingly breast. Nope, nothing. I had back pain yesterday radiating from my hip to my back. I couldn’t even pump myself to grasp at straws. It is probably because of some rough housing my family and I did this past weekend. I’m not as flexible (read young) as I used to be lol.

I’m still hopeful. I’m still very hopeful, but I get it as well. Do you know what I’ve been doing lately? The same thing I do every #TWW—medicated or otherwise. I look up faint lines and help other women see if they have one, a #BFP. I always feel happy for them. I am always so excited for them. I always hope that one day, when it’s my turn, someone will feel the same way about me.

So, I’m going to continue the waiting game. I don’t think I’ll test early this month. I just don’t feel there is a need. I’ll just wait for #CD1 and try it again.

Oh! Here’s a tidbit of information of you. My mother in law just reminded me that it took her and my father in law seven years to conceive their first one and now they have seven. I really hope I don’t have to wait seven years. I don’t think I would like to be newborn mom that late. But we will see.

Have a fantastic evening and baby dust to all of my #ttcsisters.

-K.

I'm Out




Well, ladies and gentlemen. No surprise here. I’m out. Today is CD1 for me. Right on time. Just like clockwork. Aunt Flo has arrived complete with her cramps and mood swings. In my mind, I see her laughing rather mockingly at me. ‘How dare you think you were going to conceived this month’. Man, this sucks.

There is such a general disappointment after seeing a BFN on a pregnancy test after you are so very certain that you could have conceived this month. The tweakers on the #TTC sites may pull a faint line here or a possible there. You spend countless hours (and data space) snapping photos of your own tests to manipulate, zoom in, squint at, and so on. You start looking at due date calendars and possible pregnancy symptoms on Google. You wonder if this symptom that you didn’t have last month could be a symptom that really means implantation and pregnancy this month. You hope against hope. You pray against prayer. You even quote the “I’m not out until AF shows” to yourself willing conception to occur. And then, quite suddenly sometimes, it’s over. You’re back at CD 1. The cramps of defeat your only company. The bloating and release of unused lining your proof of misery. And you mourn…all over again. You agonize over the loss of yet another month. You realize that you are one month older in the conception timeline and close to one year older in the maternal age category. You feel sad. You feel damaged. You feel inferior. All because you’re out.

So, I’ll try again. But I’m not sure I want to. It’s hard. Grieving the loss every month. The emotion is raw. You find your sanity tested. You find your faith tested. Yeah. You find your faith tested. There is never any point in getting mad at God. He has his reasons. Maybe it isn’t time. Maybe there is something else you need to focus on first. Maybe, it isn’t His desire for you to be a mother yet…or at all. That sounds horrible and you find yourself feeling guilty for thinking it and for your anger. But it’s there and it’s palpable, and can’t be ignored. You want to be a mother, again. You hear those who say at least you have children. They are right. You do. And love them more than life. But you know that you have the heart and capacity for many, many more. You have already adopted. You aren’t against doing it again, desire to even, but you want your husband’s blood line to be represented as well and you realize that maybe that just isn’t going to happen. And…you’re out.

It’s CD1 and I’m writing another post about how this month wasn’t the month. I’m looking at yet another article on fertility diets and viewing yet another vlog about what they did to get pregnant this time. Maybe I’ll try the maca root this time. Maybe acupuncture. Maybe I should get the Fertilease for my husband. Maybe I should get the female version for myself. And sure enough I hear that small voice that says “Maybe you should just give up”…and I want to. But I can’t. Because I want this more than anything. But I know that I’ll be 36 next month and my egg count is depleting and no one knows the quality. And so, I move forward…again.

It’s Cycle Day 1 and I’m out…


-K

No need for results...

I woke up this morning, and despite telling myself I wouldn't do it, I took another #HPT (home pregnancy test) with FMU (first morning urine).  I held  my breath as I waited for the second line to appear.  This time, it was a pink dye test.  This time the second line did not appear.  I thought it possible that it could be a fluke and I even took the test apart hoping I could see something.  I fooled myself into seeing a possible.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  Tomorrow I would receive my results either way.  So, I would continue along my day as if I were pregnant.

Fast forward to about 10:30AM and I start feeling the familiar cramps that remind me of an imminent visit from Aunt Flo.  Just to be on the safe side I donned a sanitary pad and continued about my business.  In the space of an hour or so, I felt a familiar sensation and went to the bathroom.  Aunt Flo had arrived in full power.  There was no doubt about it.  There is no doubt about it.  I am not pregnant.  

The very faint positive line that I saw on the first blue dye test and the second clear positive that showed up on a separate test later were false.  The fact that the tests only showed a faint line or indication of pregnancy on the blue dye tests should have told me something.  And now, I am sitting in my bed, typing this post admitting that this month was another #TTCfail.  

Sigh.  As if that wasn't hard enough, hours after discovering my fail, I attended the baby shower of a dear friend today.  I am SO absolutely and very excited for her.  I can't wait to hold the new little one she and her husband have conceived together.  It was a blessing to be there for her.  But there was one fleeting moment when everyone was joking about the passing of one of the gifts to the next mommy-to-be.  All of the women were joking about not being "it".  All I could think of was how I wish I was "it".  And then the moment was gone, just that quick.

When I went home this afternoon, I logged onto social media and saw the sharing of pictures from the baby showers of two additional relatives and acquaintances.  One was a cousin whom I wasn't even aware was expecting.  She and her husband have been married for a year and one month.  She is ready to deliver soon.  Sigh...

The worst of all is I can't share any of this with S. He has no idea about any of it.  When I got the first very faint line, I decided not to tell my husband in case it turned out to be a negative in reality.  With everything that is going on in his world right now, I didn't want to add false hope and then snatch it back.  So, I kept it to myself... The multiple tests with the faint lines, the negative tests, the HCG labwork, the negative this morning...all of it.  I truly hoped I would get good news tomorrow and be able to surprise him with great news and a cute announcement to him.  Sigh...not going to happen.

I may tell S. what happened.  I may not.  As I said, he is going through a lot.  I don't want to add to that.  

What I do want to do now if spend some time with myself and God.  I have some choices and decisions to make.  The option has been presented to start an unmonitored Clomid cycle on days 3-7 of my cycle.  I need to discuss that with S. to see if it is something he thinks we should try.  There would be no IUI, but there would be the possibility of multiple follicles and multiple eggs.  It would give S.'s soldiers more targets possibly, and that doesn't mean multiples.  It means strong eggs.

We'll see what happens...and we will let you know...

Have a good evening.

-K

IUI #1 =BFN

I received the call from my nurse. She didn’t even have to say anything. It was all in her voice. It was negative. Why does that word hurt so freaking much? Negative. You know, the Christian in me knows that my will isn’t always going to line up to God’s timing. I know that I’m simply going to have to accept that it wasn’t time. That doesn’t stop me from hurting right now. I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. I’m so emotional.

BFN!!!
And on top of that, the MOMENT she said negative my cramps kicked into overtime as if they were announcing that my cycle has ALWAYS been ready to go; I was just fooling myself to think otherwise. I…am..so..hurt. I haven’t even told S. yet. I don’t want to tell him that over the phone. I’m at work another few hours at least before I can go home AND I have class tonight. Who the blood clot wants to go to class after that? But I have to because I have finals. Ugh….And there is no one I can talk to, no one I cry on because as wonderful as S. is, he’s going to hold it in. That’s him. And none of our friends know we’re undergoing this procedure. Nor does our family. So, I get to stand beside my beautiful loved ones with their burgeoning bellies and deal. I feel like I shouldn’t be hurt. I feel like I’m being ungrateful because God has granted us two children. But…still….

I don’t need to write a long prose or long drawn out letter. The test came back and it’s negative. Let the eating of carbs and sweets begin.


5:29PM

Having had a bit of time to process the events of today, I still find that I'm hurt and disappointed.  I'm just thankful that S. is the man that he is.  We simply started discussing what our next steps would be.  We don't know yet.  We know that we have dialed our RE nurse and will be discussing IVF as an option tomorrow. That's so much more expensive that we even want to consider right now, but we have to try.  I just pray it works, whatever it is.

-K


11 days past IUI

Hello everyone. I posted a video update of the latest update in our fertility journey. Feel free to visit at https://youtu.be/l1gLFTaoQIo

Symptoms of a Big Fat Negative?

So, today is treatment cycle day 23 and 6 days past my IUI.  All week long, I've dealt with cramps and acne courtesy of the progesterone.  I also experienced a much higher level of fatigue than I am used to.  It seemed like I was ready for a nap as soon as I came near a bed...or a couch.  And then, came today.  I woke up and.....nothing.  No cramps.  No sore breasts.  No anything.  A little while later came my mood swing.  I suddenly found myself in a mood of annoyance toward my husband.  Not that he was doing anything.  It was more what he wasn't doing.  I recognized that it was a mood swing and maintained my composure, but at the same time felt a bit sad.  I'm about nine or ten days away from my cycle and the mood swings remind me of my PMS symptoms before its arrival.  I've noted that I haven't had sore breasts or cramps beyond the progesterone and I wonder....did this thing work?

Am I pregnant?  Or will I see a big fat negative (BFN) on the 8th.  I hope for the former.  I would really love to carry S.'s child.

This two week wait is starting to bring out the question in me.