Moment of Honesty: Nervous (Yesterday's Story)

I took my last birth control pill this morning. This little colored sphere marks the day before everything changes. Tomorrow, this journey becomes tangible. It becomes warrior mode. Tomorrow, I start the scouting mission. The prep work laid by quieting my body’s hormonal tendencies and the bending of its will to that of mere humans…Yep, all of that. Man, I’m nervous.

I just called the finance officer and dropped a huge payment on this journey. Tomorrow, I drop one more and it’s a go. I bless God for being able to do that. It isn’t easy. It won’t be without sacrifice. Oh my the ramen noodles and easy prep meals will be a staple for a while, but we do what we must. Tomorrow, I walk in that office at crack of dawn in the morning and give my “Pre-IVF Evaluation blood work and ultrasound”. Then, I wait. I wait for my amazing nurse A. to call me and say “all is well. Start injections on Friday”. And then it begins. It really begins.

And I’m determined to be positive. I’m trying very hard not to psyche myself out. I’ve been Googling “IVF/ICSI first time success” and going over the risks that my education modules so blatantly put before us. I really pray this works. S. is also hopeful, very hopeful. We had an extremely busy weekend and he still found time to snuggle with me and place his hand over my womb and tell me how I’ll have to take it easy a bit. He asked about retrievals and transfers. A lot of those questions were answered by the modules and the risks gave him pause. He didn’t say anything, but I saw it. He heard it from me in the sigh of miscarriage risk and the injection videos, in answering the questions, and in planning our calendar for “what if” moments.

This is going to be something. It’s going to be one of the most difficult things we have ever gone through as a couple. I remember when we walked the journey for adoption of our daughter. I blogged then too. I remember how stressful it was and how sometimes I felt like I was all alone because S. kept his emotions and thoughts to himself. That was a very hard time. But we endured. We came through it together. It was a victory in our marriage, a battle scar we wore together—proudly. The joy that our children bring is amazing. Yet, we’re about to go into another journey.

Hormones aren’t exactly nice to me. Mood swings aren’t great during regular cycle time. I can only imagine what we’ll see now. But it will be worth it. The pain will be worth it. The bloating. The tears. The scheduling. The early mornings. It will all be worth it. Why? Because I believe with everything in me that we will have another child. I’m praying that he or she comes via this cycle.

Talk to you all soon!


-K

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