We Honor You...

On this day, our family would like to honor those who gave their lives for our freedoms, those who made the ultimate sacrifice so that America may stand tall.  You are appreciated.

To those family members who remain, who shed silent tears in memory and in loss, our prayers are with you.  Thank you for sharing your loved one with us.  


Weekend Recap: Rainy days and Summer bucket lists

This weekend was a complete rain out.  I didn't mind.  It gave the household a chance to catch up on much needed rest.  I didn't move on Saturday until 10AM.  I can't remember the last time that happened.

Since Superbug's baseball games were cancelled yet again, we had some time on our hands.  That's when I thought about the upcoming summer season.  I thought it was the perfect time to create a summer bucket list.  The one I followed for the Fall was so fun and we accomplished most of it.  I thought it would be equally as fun to create and follow a summer one.  So, after much thought, here is what I came up with.

I'm looking forward to seeing how many of these we cross off by end of summer.  I'm also looking forward to adding a few experiences that aren't listed.  The weather is supposed to break and this weekend is the unofficial start to the summer season.  Let's see what we can knock out!

Talk to you soon!


35 while 35: Mother Daughter Tea

Hello everyone!  Today's Weekend Recap features an item from my 35 while 35 bucket list.  This weekend, Honeybee and I were able to attend our church's 2nd Annual Big Hats and Pearls Mother's Day Potluck/Tea.  It was such an amazing day.

Honeybee and I enjoyed donning our cute hats and accessories just to spend some time together!  We were able to have some very yummy food and play some cool games including one where Honeybee won!  Yay!!!

The food was all potlucked by the beautiful women in attendance.  It was such a wonderful evening.  I really enjoyed myself and I think our Honeybee did too!

One of the coolest things about the event was it was on my 35 while 35 list.  Slowly but surely it is getting whittled down, but there is a lot more that I need to do!

Have a great evening everyone and we will be checking in with you soon!


No need for results...

I woke up this morning, and despite telling myself I wouldn't do it, I took another #HPT (home pregnancy test) with FMU (first morning urine).  I held  my breath as I waited for the second line to appear.  This time, it was a pink dye test.  This time the second line did not appear.  I thought it possible that it could be a fluke and I even took the test apart hoping I could see something.  I fooled myself into seeing a possible.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  Tomorrow I would receive my results either way.  So, I would continue along my day as if I were pregnant.

Fast forward to about 10:30AM and I start feeling the familiar cramps that remind me of an imminent visit from Aunt Flo.  Just to be on the safe side I donned a sanitary pad and continued about my business.  In the space of an hour or so, I felt a familiar sensation and went to the bathroom.  Aunt Flo had arrived in full power.  There was no doubt about it.  There is no doubt about it.  I am not pregnant.  

The very faint positive line that I saw on the first blue dye test and the second clear positive that showed up on a separate test later were false.  The fact that the tests only showed a faint line or indication of pregnancy on the blue dye tests should have told me something.  And now, I am sitting in my bed, typing this post admitting that this month was another #TTCfail.  

Sigh.  As if that wasn't hard enough, hours after discovering my fail, I attended the baby shower of a dear friend today.  I am SO absolutely and very excited for her.  I can't wait to hold the new little one she and her husband have conceived together.  It was a blessing to be there for her.  But there was one fleeting moment when everyone was joking about the passing of one of the gifts to the next mommy-to-be.  All of the women were joking about not being "it".  All I could think of was how I wish I was "it".  And then the moment was gone, just that quick.

When I went home this afternoon, I logged onto social media and saw the sharing of pictures from the baby showers of two additional relatives and acquaintances.  One was a cousin whom I wasn't even aware was expecting.  She and her husband have been married for a year and one month.  She is ready to deliver soon.  Sigh...

The worst of all is I can't share any of this with S. He has no idea about any of it.  When I got the first very faint line, I decided not to tell my husband in case it turned out to be a negative in reality.  With everything that is going on in his world right now, I didn't want to add false hope and then snatch it back.  So, I kept it to myself... The multiple tests with the faint lines, the negative tests, the HCG labwork, the negative this morning...all of it.  I truly hoped I would get good news tomorrow and be able to surprise him with great news and a cute announcement to him.  Sigh...not going to happen.

I may tell S. what happened.  I may not.  As I said, he is going through a lot.  I don't want to add to that.  

What I do want to do now if spend some time with myself and God.  I have some choices and decisions to make.  The option has been presented to start an unmonitored Clomid cycle on days 3-7 of my cycle.  I need to discuss that with S. to see if it is something he thinks we should try.  There would be no IUI, but there would be the possibility of multiple follicles and multiple eggs.  It would give S.'s soldiers more targets possibly, and that doesn't mean multiples.  It means strong eggs.

We'll see what happens...and we will let you know...

Have a good evening.


The wait...

So, I took a test two days ago. I swore I saw a shadow, the shadow of a second line. I didn’t want to get excited because it was so faint. So faint I wasn’t sure it was even there. But my son saw it too, not even realizing what he was looking at. So, I took another yesterday. This time, it was a bit more shadow, but I could see it. It was there. I swore it was there. But, again, it was very, very faint. So I made an appointment with my ob/gyn to have blood drawn. The earliest time they could see me was 1000. I was there at 0930 because I was so nervous. Then, they told me I wouldn’t know until Monday at least since they don’t work on the weekends. Oh joy.

So, I drove back to my office, not feeling anything except crampy. I hoped that maybe it was implantation bleeding. With my son, on the day my cycle was due, I had what can only be described as an “explosion” pattern in my underwear and then nothing. I wiped and nothing. So, as I am at work, I go to the bathroom and observe creamy CM tinged with about three specks of brown blood. I wipe thinking I would see the beginning of my cycle like always. No. Nothing. Frustrated, I take another test, one of two remaining. BF N. I thought I saw a shadow, but….it could have been wishful thinking. I honestly don’t know.

All I know right now is I feel bloated, a bit crampy, and so confused…oh…and tired….I want a nap. All PMS symptoms, all possible pregnancy symptoms. And I won’t know which is which until Monday at least. Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I haven’t even told S. what’s going on. There is no need to tell him, get him excited, and then have him not excited. So, I’ll wait until Monday. Fortunately, there are a number of activities this weekend to keep my mind occupied. Let’s see how this goes.

Praying for positive.


Here we go again...

Hello boys and girls.  Today, we're going to play our favorite game...'let's SYMPTOM CHECK'.  It's the #infertility, #ttc community's favorite game where after ovulation, every tweak, twinge, cramp, craving, and mood swing means a possible pregnancy.  Life lines include manual #pregnancytests, digital pregnancy tests, and our personal favorite--guesstimation.  Prizes are the most amazing of all. We could have a #BFP and 9 months of pure joy or a #BFN and another 32 days of reliving the grief process all over again.  Ready to play?

Sorry, that was a bit long, wasn't it.  But it's accurate.  I'm sitting here typing this blog post well aware that according to every fertility app I possess, I am supposed to test for pregnancy in four days.  I've been trying really hard not to symptom check, but we all know how that goes.  My CM is creamy, each and every day.  That's supposed to be an indicator or pregnancy.  BUT, I am also feeling cramps on the lower right quadrant, right under and across from my belly button.  That could pre-period.  I've been craving sugar and carbs like crazy.  That's pre-period...but it's also a sign of early pregnancy according to Baby Center.  Then, I wanted water.  I drink water a lot anyway, but I have been downing it like crazy lately.  Then the cramps come back and pinch.  Which really means pregnancy...right?  Ugh!  So, I never said I was great at this game.

All of that being put out there, I'm trying very hard not to think about the symptoms because I don't want to psyche myself up and then be disappointed all over.  I guess that means no Youtube live pregnancy test videos and no googling pregnancy symptoms-unusual.

Sigh.  I'll keep you all posted and let you know one way or another in a few days.  Talk to you then.


Happy Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mothers' Day.  I am blessed to be one of those who hopefully will receive little tokens of appreciation for motherhood from my son and daughter.  My son is still more than a little amazed that I have managed to keep all of his little Mother's Day gifts for the past nine years.  I promise I will keep them for as long as I have breath.

I recognize that this time is hard for so many people.  There are a lot of women who wish to become mothers.  Women who have tried desperately year after year to conceive a child.  And year after year, those same women fight feelings of failure, pain, and disappointment when there is no second line on the test cartridge.  I know the feeling well.

I pray that tomorrow is a beautiful day for you.  Not because it is Mothers' Day, but because you have made it to another day.  I pray comfort and peace, a balm for your soul.  I pray those who know your story and your journey will wrap you in love and friendship, not pity.  I pray that those who are dealing with secondary infertility don't hear the "at least you have a child" comments that disregard their pain.  I pray those who have faced loss of a child don't hear the "better place" and "for the best" comments that well wishers often utter unintentionally causing pain.  I pray for those who are contemplating giving up, who wish to just stop trying all together.  I pray comfort.  I pray peace. I pray healing.  I pray for all of you.


The greatest Mommy Son night

Last night, my son and I had the best Mommy-Son date night ever.  We've been overdue for a while now.  That meant last night was more than important.  We first went to dinner at IHOP.  I took advantage of our local location's Kids Eat Free every night until 6 May.  Since it was the last night for the evening, I thought it a great opportunity to take advantage.

Superbug and I sat at the table, just he and I and enjoyed each other's company.  We talked about everything--school, life, the upcoming cruise, summer desires, and Christ.  We talked about things we'd like to see happen in the future.  We talked about things we wished we could change in the present.  It was the best conversation that I have had in a long time.  There were no interruptions, no sarcastic remarks, no feeling of being overwhelmed.  It was just my son and I.  It was beautiful.

While sitting there, we were observed by a first responder and his family.  He was sitting in uniform and would occasionally glance at us.  I was having such a good time with Superbug that I forgot about the family in the corner.  But, as we were preparing to leave, the first responder asked if I he could give me a sticker for Superbug.  I accepted and saw my son's eyes light up at the police badge. It was a great gift.  Superbug was very excited and made sure to show gratitude to the gentleman and his family.  Superbug wore that sticker all night long.

After our dinner, Superbug and I decided to visit the dollar tree to look around and because I needed Mothers' Day cards for the kids grandmothers.  We walked around, laughed at a couple of the displays the store put out, and then after paying, made our way to the next step in Mommy-Son night.

We drove to the bowling alley and played a game.  It was a great time and I even won.  Afterwards, we shared a huge laugh when I got on the wrong exit and drove the wrong direction for several miles before realizing and having to wait until a proper turnoff to get back on the right road.

All in all, it was a wonderful evening that I wouldn't trade for anything.  We had an amazing evening.

Hope your evenings are wonderful too.


Remembering Mama and how I measure up

I have to be honest. I’ve tried to write this post for three days now. Every single time, I am pulled away from it or I can’t make myself complete it. It isn’t for lack of desire. No, not at all. It’s the complete opposite. How can I properly record the monumental woman my great-grandmother was in such a small space. It’s next to impossible.

If you follow the blog, you’ll know that my great-grandmother raised me from three weeks of age until I graduated from high school and left for college. She was, for all intents and purposes, my Mama. No knock on my mother. She loves me and did what she needed to do to ensure I had a safe and positive upbringing and I am thankful to this day for her. (Love you, Mommy!) But Mama (my great-grandmother) was Mama for a very long time.

Three years ago today, this amazingly beautiful and wonderful soul passed from this world to the next. She is happily resting in paradise until the day of our Lord’s return. Her death hurt. It wasn’t unexpected as the ravages of dementia and Alzheimer’s had laid their claim to her, but it hurt nonetheless.

Mama was everything. She was a powerful prayer warrior. She was an amazing cook. She had this wonderful ability to keep a clean home. She was a full time missionary just by being herself. If a neighbor was ill, Mama was there and available. If a new baby had been born, Mama was sewing (in the early days) a new item or purchasing a new outfit. Mama offered sage advice. She represented the epitome of womanhood. I loved her so very much and I have always hoped to be like her as a Christian woman.

To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve been measuring up that well. Mama kept a clean home. Honey, I’m lucky if I can find time to sweep let alone dust. Our home is by no means filthy, but a little pick me up is more than warranted. Mama was a phenomenal cook. Do you know how many days I came home and Mama had a meal waiting for us, even with a little bit of food? I try to follow meal plans and get things prepared for our family. While I manage to plate a meal most evenings, I’m so frazzled by the end of it that I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t enjoy the preparation.

Mama never got into conflict and was always able to keep her cool.  I find myself tired and frustrated some days.  I can't  keep myself grounded no matter how hard I try.  But even with all of that craziness, I know one thing..

Mama is in a great place.  I know she is resting and blessed.  I lover her and I know she loves me.  And I'm looking forward to seeing her again.

-Winter Mommy