His facade is slipping (the birthday episode)

I'm so sorry that I've been out of pocket!  The last couple of days have been very busy in our household.  S. recently celebrated a birthday.  I made sure to shower him with all of his favorites and his birthday wish list.  He wanted a special breakfast that morning.  Granted.  I made sure to capture his favorite fruit and have it available for lunch.  Granted.  I went to his favorite bakery and procured his favorite birthday cake...twice when the baker got the order incorrect...Granted.  I got his favorite ribs and his favorite over loaded sides.  Granted.  Much desired gifts were given.  I made sure that he received gifts that he both wanted and needed.  At the end of the evening, S. was very happy.

The very next day, our baby girl celebrated her birthday.  I made sure cupcakes were present at the daycare, gifts were ready to be opened when she returned, her birthday candles blown out on her birthday cake.  Later, after everyone was sleeping soundly, S. and I took advantage of it also being #ttc week for me and celebrated with each other with an impromptu in home date-night.
Yep, it is the week of ovulation.  Because my body does it's own thing, S. and I know only that it occurs this week and the suspected spike of actual ovulation days.  But my body (and my trusty app) has let me know that this week is go week.  And S. knew it.  S. has done everything possible to ensure conception.  He's raising my hips after we baby dance.  He's placing pillows and having me lie very still.  These are all things we've heard of before, even implemented occasionally, but now it seems hard wired into him.  Today, we were catching up on our favorite sports show and he had his hand resting on my stomach and would occasionally rub it to "talk to the baby".  I hope above hope that this is the month for us, but I do not want S. to be disappointed.

I would wonder why now does it seem so strong, so necessary, but I think I know.  I believe that birthday hit him.  It reminded him that we've been trying for a while and that he has still yet to conceive a child naturally with me.  Our beautiful children are amazing and wonderful.  There are no "step" anything in our family nor any other designation.  But, it does remain that our children are those conceived from a previous relationship and adoption respectively.  I would love for him to know the joy of being there from the very beginning, from the moment of conception, from the first heartbeat, and first inutero kick.  I'd love for him to know the joy of new and wonderful development stages.  I think this is what is driving him this week.

And I want it for him.  S. is an amazing father.  Amazing!  He is so kind, so sweet, so patient.  I would love to carry his child.  I just don't want to see the look of sadness in his eyes if it doesn't happen this month.  I think it will be a stronger blow than usual.  I truly think conception is his birthday wish.

Sigh.  So, what does that mean?  Well, for now, it means that I do the same as I always do.  We will continue to try and conceive.  We are still trying to do so naturally until we can afford an IVF cycle, which our RE believes if our best option to conceive.  I have said it before and will continue to say that I don't understand why our jobs allow for coverage of abortions, but refuse to cover the costs of infertility treatments.

Hope everyone is having a great evening.  I'll do better about keeping you apprised.  Talk to you soon.


Happy Birthday, Honeybee!!

Happy Birthday to our perfect little lady.  It doesn't seem like two years.  So very blessed to have you in our life, little one.  God bless you!


Her story is mine..

Have you ever had a moment where you felt total shame? A moment where you felt less than proud of yourself.  That was me today.  It was self-shame.  Shame of my negative thoughts.  Shame of my pity party.  Shame in just not being the strong woman I know I can be and am.  Shame in the assumption that no one else can truly know or understand this secondary infertility journey.

I'd just logged on to social media and saw a work friend of mine tagged in the post of a mutual colleague.  The colleague is one who recently announced her pregnancy at work.  She is where, at the announcement, I felt the usual myriad of emotions.  I was thrilled for her and her husband.  I was so excited for her news.  However, once again, I found myself a bit sad that I wasn't sharing conception news of my own.

That being said this colleague is a  wonderful young lady and  I find myself stopping by her desk just to check on her.  Well, this same colleague's social media post announced that her doctor was placing her on immediate bed rest until the baby is born.  She isn't due until May.  I was shocked.  She looked fine at work on yesterday.  Somehow between there and today she was placed on bed rest and I was worried for her.  I remembered experiencing that for a mere 48 hours with my son when my feet swelled to the size of large balloons.  The anxiety was nerve-wrecking.  I could only imagine what she was feeling now.

Because her page was semi-open, I was able to see some of the former postings shared on her page.  I saw a picture of her first child, pictures of she and her husband, pictures of her family, and then there was a small post.  There was a banner that was placed on her social media account that honored and recognized a well known Infertility group.  As I read over the post, I realized that her struggle has been and is mine.  She has struggled with infertility.  She struggled to conceived.  She has shed tears over one lined pee sticks and has prayed for intercession when her body wouldn't cooperate.  She kept it quiet.  She didn't share.  She understood.  And she was blessed with another miracle.

I poured over that post and felt pure shame.  Here I was moping around internally about cycles and pregnancy announcements and feeling woe for me sad and life just reminded me that it's not all about me.  Wow...

So, after logging off the account, I sat down and thought about her for a long while.  I said a prayer for her and her family and her pregnancy.  Fortunately, her post makes it appear that she is in a rather jovial and peaceful mood.  I plan to email her tomorrow and let her know that she is being thought of.

As for tonight, I am going to sit down and remind myself of all of the great and wonderful things that exist in my life--from my family, to my life, to being loved, to being blessed with wonderful children.  And all that woe is me stuff I've been exhaling over the past few weeks stops tonight.


Valentine's Day (non-TTC post)

Happy belated Valentine's Day.  I hope you enjoyed it with your loved ones.  It was a very busy one for S. and I.  Our Pastor asked the Marriage Ministry to sponsor a Valentine's event for the church. Since the facilitators of the group have been ill, it fell to the members to pull most of it together.  It was a lot of work, but I so enjoyed working side by side with my husband.

I don't know if you follow our IG page, but things have been a bit stressful lately.  Both of S.'s parents have been ill, communication has been strained, responsibilities have been growing, and we've both been leaning into our faith more.  It's been a necessary thing because even when we can't find the words to say to each other, we can always find word to say to God (or at the very least utterances) and He always sends us what we need when we need it.

So, S. and I have been working this event with other members for about three months now.  We were getting a bit worried because initially it looked like the turnout would be low, but right before the event, ticket sales evened out and we had a really nice sized crowd.  Combine that with our Pastor's special guest couple and everything came together amazingly well.

With all the running around, S. and I agreed that we would not do any exchanges this year.  So, I made sure the children receiver their Valentine's Day chocolate and balloon.  The baby girl loved her balloon.  Our son has a wicked sweet tooth just like his mother, so he was more than a little excited about his box of chocolates.

It was fortunate for us that it was President's Day today.  The entire family needed the time to recuperate.  Plus, the snow that fell down on the ground made staying in bed more than a little tempting today.

Our son has tomorrow off and I'm scheduled to go in for two meetings.  I'm hoping the weather will cooperate enough for me to go in later.  

Overall, it has been a pleasant weekend for us and I pray the same for you and your family.  On the #TTC front, I will be visiting my Gynecologist in March and also my Primary Care Physician.  It's time to see if we can do anything to boost my conceiving naturally chances.  Otherwise, we have to see if our tax return can be stretched towards other #ttc related things.

Have a great night everyone.  Talk to you soon!


Birthdays and new pregnancy announcements

It's the end of another Saturday and once again, it came to an end way too soon.  I purposely stayed in the bed until 9AM.  That's almost unheard of in my household.  My husband is one of the "early bird catches the worm" types.  He sees the weekend as a perfect time to catch up on all the household chores that we didn't get to do during the week.  Since I have had minimum sleep this week with all the crack of dawn meetings I've been having at work, an early morning awakening was not in my plans.

After waking and immediately preparing breakfast for the brood, S. and I attempted to do our taxes.  Not a good idea.  

Can I be honest?  I think Aunt Flo is truly on her way because my hormones are a mess.  I am cranky and short-tempered and everything S. says or does annoys me.  It's not fair to him at all, but I honestly can't help it.  That being said we had a terrible row over something ridiculously simple (a distribution statement that was erroneously marked).  Now he's in a mood, I'm teary eyed, and feeling mean, and we're just giving each other space.  I hate my hormones....

Since today is our niece's first birthday party, we bit our tongues and headed over to the church hall where her celebration was being held.  Unfortunately, no one had opened the church until we arrived, so there was decorating to be done.  Lots of it.  Fortunately, I LOVE this kind of stuff!  I jumped in, directed the teens and older boys to move tables, tape up decor, and we managed to make everything beautiful!

I really enjoyed catching up with my sister in laws and seeing the children all run around and play together.  I enjoyed singing happy birthday to our niece.  I enjoyed taking pictures.  I enjoyed being there.  The birthday girl's mom is currently expecting another child.  S. and I are so thrilled for them, but I was asked today to help plan her shower.  I love this kind of planning, so I readily agreed.  I am excited to help them plan, but can't help but feel just a bit sad that this is child number three in as many years and S. and I still can't conceive one together.  Nevertheless it is always more blessed to give than to receive, and I am looking forward to co-hosting this shower and giving the baby a great welcome to the world gift.

After the party was done and we arrived safely home, I logged onto my social media accounts and saw a new announcement.  A former coworker and her boyfriend had just announced their pregnancy.  And I felt bad for a thought that popped in my head at first.  It was "but they aren't even married".  How judgmental is that?!  And how hypocritical when my first child was conceived out of wedlock.  I chastised myself immediately and asked God's forgiveness for such thoughts.

That being said I really am happy for her.  She is a divorcee and had been through quite a lot during and after her divorce.  The man who found, loves, and fell in love with her now is a really good guy (by all accounts, I haven't met him [smiley face]) and he dotes on her.  I am happy for them both.

Now it's time for me to call it a night.  It's another busy tomorrow especially with Superbowl Sunday!  Our Pastor has invited everyone to wear their favorite NFL team's jersey to service tomorrow.  Someone recently gave our son a Cowboys jersey.  I told him if he wears it he has to move lol!  I'll share with you guys tomorrow!  Have a great evening!