Can I Be Honest: Not Quite Measuring Up



Hi guys. I’m hoping you’re having an awesome week. It’s my birthday week and I should be all kinds of giddy, but I’m not. Not because of getting older. Shoot, I relish in that! I have dear friends and family members who didn’t make it past their 30s due to car accidents and illness. I bless God that 38 is around the corner, and I pray he allows 38 more and then some. No, my reasoning is different.

Can I be real honest with you guys? The fact is there are lots of days I feel really inept as a woman. I don't feel beautiful or polished at all. I feel like I felt in MS, HS, and even college. It sucks when you see the confidence of others and realize that you don't possess the same. Heck even the youngest around me are comfortable and confident in their skin—or sure as heck pulling off the acting job of the freaking century. I get so freaking embarrassed because I just don’t have that. Every once in a while, some fierce and beautifully confident part of me comes through and I feel powerful and amazing. Then, something happens to tear that feeling away and punish me for ever thinking of it in the first place. It bothers the heck out of me because I have two awesome little girls who look to me to know what confidence is.

How can I instill it in them when I am having the hardest time doing it for myself? Right now, I’m faking the funk for me. But I’m real as heck for my girls. I tell them they are beautiful. I tell them they are gorgeous. I tell them they are SMART and I boost their intellectual ego. I tell my Honeybee “that was a really smart answer, honey. I hadn’t thought of it that way. Good job” and I mean that thing. I also see her body language become self-aware and proud after such moments. I see it. I’m proud…But I’m afraid. These girls of the world are so competitive and nasty. They tear down confidence and I’m just crazy enough to launch if I see if directed to my little ones. Isn’t that crazy though? I can go in for my kids if the adrenaline kicks in, but me? I’m still a mousy little thing who wishes she was beautiful.

I had a horrible experience yesterday that I have to share. I have a full head of natural, thick hair. I love my hair. I love that it’s mine and so much can be done with it. But I don’t know what. I don’t know where to start. I’ve been told to go to Youtube and try styles. I’ve tried. I am not too good with the instructions. I’ve been told to go to different salons. I don’t know what to tell them to do and “make it look beautiful” is often scoffed at. I feel woefully inadequate. Anyway, yesterday.

My husband has an event in a couple of days and has hinted heavily that I should have my hair done. He’s right. The frizzy ponytail that won’t stay sleek no matter how much gel or edge control is applied is a horrible look. So, I wanted to duplicate a beautiful anniversary look. Same length as mine but not my hair. Sew-in. I went in the beauty supply store to purchase the hair….and I was overwhelmed. There was so much to choose from, so many choices. I knew the name brand, but even it had choices. I called the woman who had done the hair previously. She wasn’t available, so I couldn’t get her input. Then, I realized that she isn’t even available to do the hair. The woman behind the counter sees me and asks if she can help me and I look at her and say “I honestly don’t know what I need”. She tries to help. Her ponytail is sleek and put together. Mine is frizzy and frazzled. Her make up is perfectly applied. I haven’t had make up on in two days and every one of my face scars from messing with pimples are on full display. I feel dumb. Top this off and my 11 year old son is standing beside me because I had to pick him up from an activity on my way to this store because it closes early. We go through the motions of assistance for several minutes before it’s clear to me that this is a waste of everyone’s time. I leave the store…feeling horrible but trying to walk as if all is well and I am perfectly fine and in command of my environment.

I get in the car and, forgetting my son is sitting beside me, say aloud “I just don’t feel beautiful at all”. He being an awesome child says, “Mom, of course you’re beautiful. What are you talking about?” That made me feel worse because it is never appropriate that your child should try and boost your confidence. So, I slapped a fake grin on my face and I switched the subject. I still haven’t gotten the hair. The event is still looming. I have maybe one full day to get something done and I don’t even think anyone is available.

Sigh…a mess. Look, I’ll be 38 in a couple of days and all I want is to walk through with the confidence God has assured His children. I want to exude strength while maintaining my vulnerability. It’s just….I simply don’t know how.

Have a good one, guys...

-K

No comments