Why I haven’t updated my IG profile with our BFP

I spend quite a bit of free time on my social media pages, especially my #TTC Instagram profile. I like to scroll through the news feed and celebrate all of the good news and offer comfort and prayers where I can for the not so good news. I love seeing names change to reflect pregnancies and positive changes. I like seeing the bio portion of profiles with “#BFP” and positive signs. Some change them after positive betas, others change them after that line on the pregnancy test. Me? I haven’t changed anything yet. I actually think I might have confused a couple of new followers as my bio states I’m still going through IVF/ICSI right now. That’s kind of true. But I am out of the TWW wait and confirmation has been given that betas are rising. I could update to a BFP. But…I can’t, at least not right now.

I need to see him, her…them…our baby(ies). I need to know that there are heartbeats and that they are measuring okay. I need to know that everything is snuggled in and content and happy. I feel awful even typing it because I know that faith is not in sight. It’s the substance of things hoped for. It is the evidence of things not seen. I feel like Thomas doubting the wonderful news of Christ’s resurrection. I get it’s not quite that serious, but you can see the comparison. I feel like God has gifted us with this great blessing and I am not yet able to completely enjoy it.

Every time I wake up without a cramp or a wave of nausea, I worry. Then I pray. And God, in His grace, is usually kind enough to send assurance that I am still carrying a while later .(Thank you, Father.) Yesterday, we received our third beta and it rose significantly from beta #2, but it didn’t double and I was worried. Then the nurse told me that I shouldn't  worry because the increase is so significant and they don’t care about the doubling more than the increase. I still called my sister-friend though (who has been through IVF herself).

She reminded me that I need to treat this pregnancy as a first. It doesn’t matter that I had a pregnancy a decade ago. Everything here is new. This is my first assisted fertility pregnancy. There are new things that I don’t understand. Medicines I didn’t have to take during my first pregnancy I take this time. There are new tests, experiences, etc. She encouraged me to embrace this pregnancy as a first time experience with the added benefit of having experienced some of this before. Read my pregnancy books and blogs. Be cautious. It was great advice.

Today, I continue to move forward. S. and I called the RE office to schedule our first OB Ultrasound. We’re scheduled for Wednesday morning at 9AM. Our doctor will be out of the office next week, but the other doctor will be in. We’ll get to see what God has decided to do.

We have also decided that if all goes well, we will tell our parents after the ultrasound. I’m praying for good news. We appreciate them all very much!

I will write you all again soon.

-K





IVF #2: Beta #2- 4,258!

(This post will contain thoughts on this pregnancy and also the journey to get to this point. Because I know all too well how these kinds of posts may affect my fellow #ttcsisters and #ttcbrothers, I include this disclaimer to forewarn you. Furthermore, I will continue to do so on any post that may be related to this pregnancy (assuming viability) so that you may have the option to bow out of reading. It is not my intent to turn this blog into all things BFP, so I will make sure to try and keep things as open as possible while being sensitive to the stages that all our us are in per our respective journeys).
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Hello everyone. I apologize for disappearing on you. It wasn’t intentional. I got super busy with Christmas planning and haven’t had the luxury of blogging as I wanted. By now you know that on 23 Dec 2016, S. and I received news that we are pregnant. The phone call was amazing and just basking in that knowledge was such a wonderful and God-filled experience.

It wasn’t too much longer that I began to feel bits of confirmation the test was spot on with a huge wave of fatigue and some hints of nausea every once in a while. But, as shared in our post, S. and I are being cautious. We’ve decided not to share the news with our family and friends until we reach the second trimester or unless it becomes obvious, whichever comes first. We don’t want family to be super excited for us and then have to crush that excitement later. This is especially true for S.’s mom who, though much better, is still fighting cancer. So, we’ve enjoyed being pregnant together.

Yesterday was Beta #2. I woke up this morning and was worried that the immediate nausea that has greeted me the past two mornings wasn’t present. I also didn’t feel the heaviness in my breasts I felt last night. I was determined that I wasn’t going to stress too much. I went to the appointment anyway and have felt reminders that something is still going on all day. I was on pins and needles waiting for another beta and, after reading blogs of other fellow #ttc journeymen, I’m not sure I’ll ever stop worrying. Well, maybe after two or three scans. The call usually comes at 2PM. Yesterday,  it didn’t come until 4PM! I was just about to leave for the day when the phone rang.  It was nurse G. and she was spilling the news before I could stop her LOL!  I called S. and conferenced him in, only to be disconnected myself.  No bother, I still heard the results.

Our Beta #2 is 4258! Oh my goodness!!! So, we have another Beta on Thursday and hopefully will be moving toward ultrasound! I am so very excited and so very nervous.

 We’ve been trying for 4 years and 8 months. We may actually be pregnant!  There have been so many times I've squinted over lines that weren't there or cried over lines that were and decided to disappear.  I am so very, very excited.  I'm so very hopeful.  I want to tell everyone, but I then again I don't.  I have already started looking at Pinterest pins and pregnancy apps.  But I'm also cautious. Sometimes, I'll quickly delete a pin or app and say "we don't know what is going to happen".  That isn't fair.

I want to move forward as if our blessing has already arrived because it has.  I have asked God to be pregnant and health.  He's granted that.  That's a blessing.  He may choose to continue blessing S. and I in the future with the birth of a new healthy baby(ies).  If so, that will be another blessing.  I'm thankful just to be considered by Him.

Beta #3 is tomorrow and we'll see what happens.  I am praying for great numbers and a wonderful day.

I will talk with you all soon.

-K

IVF #2: Beta #1= BFP!

Oh my goodness!  Oh my goodness!!!  Hello everyone!  I am on pins and needles, but I have to share today's news with you.

This morning, I couldn't sleep.  I woke up at 3 A.M.  I tried to sleep, but couldn't.  I went down stairs and actually laid on the couch to watch a movie for an hour before finally returning to the bed.  I tossed and turned for a while and then I finally lay down for some sleep.  The alarm woke me not too much later and I hurried myself ready and was out the door.

I gave blood this morning and felt no symptoms.  I even told the nurse that I was hoping and praying for good news, but hadn't felt anything.  When I got home, I was tired.  I mean really tired.  I mean really, really tired.  I was barely able to keep my eyes open and my son asked if I wanted him to sit with his sister so I could rest.  That was very sweet of him.  I figured it was because I woke up so early.  I accepted his offer and took a three hour nap!!!!

Again, I just felt like I overdid it the past couple of days (running around prepping for 20+ people for Christmas Eve dinner).  About 1:35, I realized I missed a call from our nurse and tried calling her back.  It went to voicemail and I called again.  When she picked up, I told her not to say anything before I called S.  I called him and conference called him in.  There, our beautiful nurse A. was beaming ear to ear as she confirmed we ARE pregnant with a beta of 1,375!!!!!!  WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!



Oh my goodness!  I'm so excited, as is S., though he has tried to downplay it a bit.  (The smile gives it away every time).  Nurse A. explained to S. (I already knew) that I will now have 3-4 more betas, with the hope that each will double.  She explained that at 6 weeks, we will have our first ultrasound to see if the heart is beating and to detect how many embryos implanted successfully.  (We reminded her that we transferred two).

I'm so happy, but also so nervous.  I had NO symptoms except cramping.  Now, I have a few..a bit of nausea here and fatigue there.  I don't know if the beta is going to increase.  I hope so.  I hope very much so.

S. and I have agreed not to share the news with any of our family or friends until after the first trimester is over or until we are sure we are at a point of viability.  That sounds so harsh and I hated the discussion, but I understood.  We don't want to bring the family up only to crush them if something should happen.

While they don't know the details of our journey, or our infertility, they do know that children are a desire of ours.

But I refuse to dwell in the low of it.  I am going to smile and enjoy every wave of nausea, every cramp, and every moment of fatigue.  These babies are on board and they are going to stay on board!!!

-K

IVF #2 12dp5dt: Beta Eve

Hello everyone. It’s that time again. I sit here the night before Beta and honestly have no idea what tomorrow’s results are going to be. I remained true to my word and I didn’t test at all. I have managed to stay pretty busy during this TWW, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t had my moments.

I’ve been watching with cheers and excitement as so many of you have celebrated #BFPs on days 5, 6, 7, and 10 of 5dts. I’ve read your symptoms of nausea and cravings, of breast pain and fatigue. I don’t have any of those. I have no breast pain. I have had occasional waves of nausea, but I blame it on the fertility supplements and my mind (which is an extremely powerful muscle). I did have two toilet tissue wipes of pink spotting and then nothing. I have also had a few days of pretty intense cramping and then nothing with the exception of this afternoon. I honestly have no idea of what tomorrow will bring.

I’ve been loving my body as if I do have confirmation though. I’ve been trying to eat healthier. I’ve been making sure that I’ve been taking all of my meds. I’ve been trying to stay as stress free as possible. I have been preparing for this beta and hoping that it brings good news and numbers. But, it may not and while that would hurt, it would be okay as well. We would just keep trying until we have exhausted our shared risk and our options. Wow, I hope it doesn’t come to that.

I spoke to nurse A. today and she told me that she has fingers crossed and prayers that this is our cycle.  I pray it is.  I really do.  How absolutely amazing it would be to have a positive pregnancy test for Christmas. We will see.

Please drop by tomorrow and we'll see what the results are.  Praying for great news.

-K

IVF #2 9dp5dt: Cramps and spotting

Hi everyone.

So, I am trying NOT to get excited.  I am also very cautious in sharing this.  I have been cramping off and on for the past two days.  I shared a couple of Instagram posts about it.  They haven't been filling me with a warm and fuzzy.  Tonight, the cramps reached a fever pitch.  I was on the verge of tears because they really hurt!  I told S. that I didn't think this worked and went to the bathroom because it was time to take my Endometrin.  I went to the bathroom first and upon wiping discovered pink blood that only appeared when I wiped.  I immediately thought implantation bleeding as I remembered this vaguely from my son's pregnancy a decade ago.  I used the vaginal insert tool and when I withdrew it after inserting the tablet, there was a scant amount of pink there too.  I wiped again and nothing.  Then, I thought...too late for implantation bleed, right?  Anywho...

I flew down stairs and told S. that this may have just worked.  He wisely told me not to get to excited, but was smiling himself as I explained.  I still have cramps but it is accompanied by back aches.  The cramps now aren't horrible, but they are still there.

I still have NOT tested and I will keep my promise to S. not to.  I hope to not be disappointed on #beta day, but I can't do anything but pray and not stress now.  I won't be sharing this news on IG in a post.  I also won't share it with my two "real-life" #ttc cheerleaders as there will be no point if this isn't good news.

For now, I'm going to enjoy being pregnant unless proven otherwise.  And I am going to continue to joke with S. about baby names just in case.

Have a great night everyone.

-K

IVF #2  9dp5dt: Medications
  • Estradol- 2 pills taken orally (1 AM/1 PM)
  • Endometrin- 1 vaginal insert 3 times a day
IVF #2 9dp5dt:Symptoms
  • Recurring cramps
  • Intense Cramps
  • Slight nausea
  • Pink spotting
IVF #2 9dp5dt: Developments
  • None to report
Next Appointment
  • Beta test day- 23 Dec 2016

IVF 7dp5dt: Announce away


Hi everyone. Nothing major to report on my TWW.  I am still experiencing period like cramps.  They are very dull and can on occasion be strong enough to make me notice, but other than that.  Nothing. I want to test so badly, but I promised S. that I wouldn't.  So I won't.

There.  That being said it's time to change subjects.   I guess I should start this post by saying the opinions listed here are my opinions and no one else’s. Some may agree. Some might not. But let’s respect our right to have our own opinions and differing ones as well. So, a couple of days ago, I logged onto Facebook and saw the most adorable Christmas announcement for a former co-worker of mine. It basically said that she and her husband-to-be had been naughty and were expecting a new arrival. This will be their first child. I immediately thought “how wonderful for them” followed quickly by “what a cute announcement”. (Seriously, the way they did it was seriously adorable). I’m very happy for her as I am for just about everyone when pregnancy announcements are made. But seeing the announcement kind of made me think about people who may view her announcement with pain and misery and contempt. It’s not directed to her. It is the hurt, pain, and resentment of those trying to conceive who are once again reminded that their body did not cooperate with them. I get it. Remember when I shared about the simultaneous pregnancy announcements from two separate sister-in-loves (law). That one was hard. 

I managed to smile through the announcement and even assuage some of their fears after they informed S. and I we were the last in the family to know because everyone ‘knows you guys are trying even if you haven’t said anything’ and they didn’t want to hurt our feelings. I genuinely didn’t want them to feel like they had to hide their joy from us. That would be horrible. A pregnancy should bring joy and I’d hate for anyone to think they couldn’t share that with us. But, admittedly, after they left I went in the shower and sobbed for quite some time. It wasn’t my finest hour.

When I saw the announcement the other day, I got to thinking about others who have recently announced their pregnancy. One friend just gave birth to her rainbow baby. When she shared her announcement, it was preluded with an explanation that she wanted to apologize for those who would feel hurt and that she understood. It continued that she wanted to share the joy of her rainbow without demonstrating “pregnesia”. I felt bad for her. It felt like she was apologizing for celebrating. I’ve thought about all of that in this TWW and I’ve come to a few conclusions.

1. I want my friends and family to feel comfortable announcing their pregnancies in my presence. Most don’t know the struggle journey that S. and I are on. We prefer privacy in that regard for a number of reasons. As exampled above, I’ve never want someone to feel they couldn’t share something so precious and amazing with me. I want to celebrate with them. Yes, there may be a distant sadness somewhere within me, but I assure you, it won’t be visible. This is a time of celebration.

2. If God allows us to become pregnant, S. and I will announce…but later. This journey is something. It has highs, lows, and what-in-the-worlds. I think I would like to get comfortable with the idea that our pregnancy is real and viable. I’ve seen people announce as soon as the line turns pink. AWESOME! I’ve also seen people wait until the last possible moment. GREAT! Whichever works for you, works for me. I think we would like to wait until we are entering or possibly well into the second trimester. I know anything can happen at anytime. I’ve seen it with friends, family, and associates. But I am truly hoping for great things.

3. Announcements should NOT be looked at with scorn or disdain. You can be hurt, but don’t direct it at the woman. A lot of these women who are posting are in fact TTC sisters who have prayed for a chance to announce themselves one day. Just because they don’t share their story doesn’t mean their joy should be diminished because of it.

I know some people still hate announcements and probably always will, but I believe it will all work out if we show each other compassion and not negativity.

Just musing. Talk to you soon.

-K



IVF #2 5dp5dt: Winter concerts need Winter weather

Oh my!  I said OH MY!  It is FREEZING outside.  Oh my goodness!  it is RIDICULOUSLY cold outside!  I woke up early this morning and was loathe to leave my warm bed, but needed to do something for the family on a morning like this.

I heated up french toast sticks and made hot chocolate.  I also made sure everyone was layered up this morning.  Our son has a concert today and has a certain uniform of the day.  It was my job to make sure it was properly layered.  I have undershirts and long sleeved shirts under that top shirt.  It's a cold day and I need everyone healthy!

It was so cold, I decided to drop him off at school this morning instead of waiting for the bus.  That allowed me to drop off at work earlier. As soon as I did so, I found myself reminiscing about last cycle and the roller coaster that was there.  Last cycle, I received a faint #BFP on CD 5dp5dt.  It was faint, but it was there. I remember being so sure of that line.  I was even a bit cocky I suppose in the fact that we "beat" infertility.  But, we've learned infertility is not an easy foe.  Two days later every test I took was negative and I was just hoping beta would pull something I didn't.

Today, I am NOT testing.  I refuse to.  I am going to get through this work day, enjoy tonight's concert, and have a great time.  No other words are needed...

Talk to you all soon!

-K

IVF#2 4dp5t: Cramps...

Hello everyone.

Today is 4 days past 5 day transfer.  I've been doing fairly well with not hitting "Dr. Google" for every twinge and twang, but there are a few differences that I've noticed and am hoping mean great things.

Last night, I attended choir rehearsal in prep for our church's Christmas concert this coming Sunday. I noticed that I felt a small wave of nausea throughout the day, but chucked it up to the progesterone. While standing in the choir loft, I suddenly received a cramp so sharp and sudden that I actually said an audible "ow"!  I didn't feel it again for about forty-five minutes of so and then I felt a smaller one, slightly duller.  I thought that was odd, but didn't want to do symptom spotting.

I guess I had pregnancy on the brain even if I wouldn't admit it because I had some pretty vivid pregnancy dreams last night.  One that I remember well was the line progression on a series of four pregnancy tests.  Each day the line was darker.  I pray that's our truth.

This morning, I was awakened from my sleep with some pretty strong menstrual-like cramps.  Yep, it feels just like AF is around the corner and I was a bit disappointed.  I thought...so much for that.  But I decided not to dwell on it.

I've had those cramps off and on most of the day.  I am really hoping that means good things.  I have backaches and a small amount of nausea as well.  I know from experience that all of these can come from the progesterone.  But I won't lie and say I'm not hopeful.

I'm a bit tired tonight, so I won't hold you guys.  Have a great evening and I will write again soon.

-K

IVF #2  4dp5dt: Medications
  • Estradol- 2 pills taken orally (1 AM/1 PM)
  • Endometrin- 1 vaginal insert 3 times a day
IVF #2 4dp5dt:Symptoms
  • Recurring cramps
  • Slight nausea
IVF #2 4dp5dt: Developments
  • None to report
Next Appointment
  • Beta test day- 23 Dec 2016

IVF#2 2dp5dt: Conquering the TWW

Hello everyone! Today is 2pd5dt. I’m not symptom spotting as I feel it’s way too early for that. I am treating my body as if it is already pregnant. I’m making sure that I give my body nutrients that will assist in contributing to the babies nutrition. I’m also coming up with ways to beat the notorious two week wait. Today hasn't been so bad.

I did read a few blogs of other #TTC sisters who have gone through there before me.  Most received their #BFP at some stage in their journey.  A few didn't at all.  I read not to compare but because I genuinely enjoy walking the journey with them and also because it keeps me distracted.

Today, I was supposed to have received a call from my RE's office informing S. and I if there were any remaining embryos for freeze.  On the transfer day, our doctor informed me that we had 8 embryos dividing.  We transferred two.  That left us with six.  I was hoping to hear something today about how they've progressed.  So far...nothing.

This happened during our last cycle as well.  The office ended up waiting a full day to see if the embryos would continue dividing.  They didn't.  They all arrested and were discarded.  We received our BFN a few days later and are now in this cycle.  I can't help but wonder if history is repeating itself.  There is one exception.  I received an email from the cryopreservation lab asking what we would like to do with embryos.  But there was no mention of any having been preserved.  I don't know if that is a new protocol as we have already signed wishes for what we would want to have done if any survived or if we actually have some snow babies.  I'll be calling tomorrow for sure.

So that's one way to keep me focused off testing and symptom checking and focusing instead on other things.  It should be a bit easier than usual.  I have a lot to keep me occupied during this TWW. (See list below). I know my little ones will be on my mind more and more every day, but I’m determined to make everything beautiful for them and myself. No stress at all!


TWW Plans
  • 12 Dec Wishing my father a Happy Birthday!
  • 12 Dec Christmas Worship Service Rehearsal
  • 13 Dec Meetings at work (but I won’t be stressed!)
  • 13 Dec Youth Christmas Worship Service Rehearsal
  • 14 Dec Bible Study
  • 15 Dec Little K’s School Winter Concert
  • 16 Dec S.’s Holiday Party
  • 17 Dec Marriage Ministry Meeting
  • 17 Dec Christmas Parade
  • 18 Dec Christmas Concert/Worship Service
  • 19 Dec Young Adult Choir Rehearsal
  • 20 Dec Wrapping Christmas gifts in the PM
  • 21 Dec Late night meeting
  • 22 Dec Prep for Annual Family Christmas Eve celebration
  • 23 Dec BETA
I will talk to you soon!!!

-K

IVF #2 CD 18: Embryos on board

Shh! I’m home and resting in our bed along with our two little embabies who are resting quietly within Mommy J. We are officially PUPO (Pregnant until Proven Otherwise). This is the second time I have been able to share these beautiful letters and I am praying these will into PASP (Pregnant and Staying Pregnant) this time.

Unlike my last transfer, I was much better prepared and didn’t have the issue with almost wetting myself over and over again. Instead of 20-24 ounces, nurse A. instructed that I needed only a minimum of 16. So, at 11:50, I started drinking my water. When I made it to my appointment, I was still slightly uncomfortable, but nowhere near where I was before. What a difference 8 ounces of water make!

It was so different.  I'd only sat a few minutes in the waiting room before having my name called and being escorted to the patient's waiting lobby.  I was asked to remove my boots and to put booties over my socks.  A nurse verified my name, DOB, and SSN and I was asked to wait for another minute before being directed to the transfer room.  This room was located on the opposite end of where our last transfer was.  The nurse directed me to undress from the waist down and reappeared in the room shortly after that.  She informed me that Dr. C. would be doing my transfer for the day and right on queue he knocked on the door.  The doctor came in and informed me that we still have 8 embryos dividing and were ready to transfer one.  After discussing S.'s numbers and our past transfer, we agreed to transfer two instead.

Our babies...


After confirming the two, in walked our embryologist R. who confirmed my ID once again.  R. then went to collect the embryos in the catheter while I was draped.  Dr. C. confirmed my bladder was full enough for the procedure and we went to work.  It was over in a flash of light and my beautiful babies were on board.  I laid there for five more minutes and received discharge instructions from the nurse.  Then, I went to the bathroom, voided, and was ready to go.  

On the way home, I stopped by McDonald's for the fries.  I then came home and rested wrapped up in blankets and comfortably warm.  And that was that!

So, now there is nothing to do but wait. I have been munching on my pineapple and do plan to continue that for the next five days. I’m also going to enjoy this time. I’m going to try very hard NOT to stress. We have a lot of people coming for Christmas Eve and Christmas and I don’t want to panic about it. I should be okay because I won’t really get groceries until the 17th of December and that won’t be stressful (I hope). I don’t plan to cook everything until the day before and we should already know by then whether we are preggo or not.

Looking forward to keeping you in the loop! Have a great and wonderful day!

-K

IVF #2 CD 17: Transfer Eve

Hi everyone!

It’s been a terrifically busy day today. This morning, I attended the retirement of a great family friend. He’s been in Civil Service for a few more than 30 years and is ready to enter into a new phase of his life. I love it and am thrilled for him and his family. Can I tell you how beautiful the retirement program was? It was just amazing.  I shed more than a few tears today.  Such a great man and such a wonderful man of faith.  After the retirement, I returned to work and made sure I got documents out the door in preparation for meetings next week (yay…meetings). I have to be honest.  I was pretty ready to leave.  Fridays make me want to leave work in expeditious a manner as possible anyway.  A cold Friday after an emotional charge of crying...yep, I want to call it.  Fortunately, it wasn’t too long before it was time for me to go home for the evening to prepare for the evening retirement celebration the family was having.

So let's start with the attire thing.  I had plans to wear this cure little dress with a coat for outside. Ummm....no.  After the weather I felt this morning, I decided that I would dress a bit more warmly and enjoy function versus fashion lol.

The banquet itself was awesome.  Kind words, good fun, awesome dancing.  It was a very enjoyable evening. Plus S. and I got quite a few cute pics together.  No complaints at all.  Even the cold was bearable.

Now that we’re home and everyone in his or her respective place, I’m prepping for tomorrow. There’s not too much to that except pulling out my clothes so I don’t have to tomorrow. I have my #TTC socks given to me by the beautiful @hopefulbb2017 and yoga pants. I know there are a host of people who hate seeing them in public, but when you are carrying the bloat I am, you rock them with no fear lol. I’m also making sure to have a pretty warm (and bulky) sweater tomorrow. It’s supposed to be pretty cold as far as the wind chill tomorrow. (YAY) LOL.

Other than that, I’m super ready. I am looking forward to transfer and hoping and praying that everything goes beautifully.

I’ll talk to you guys sometime tomorrow!


-K

IVF #2 CD 16: Day 2 Fertilization Report

Woohoo! I have to tell you that waiting for your doctor or nurse to call with news of your babies is more than a little nerve wrecking. However, we received the call yesterday that all 11 embabies are dividing!! I am so excited. I really, really, am excited. Hopefully, they will continue to do so and we will have embaby(ies) to transfer on Saturday.

So, let’s discuss how I’m feeling today. Today I’m okay. I’m still bloated. I’m still fatigued. I’m still a bit sore in my pelvic region. But I’m much better than yesterday. Yesterday was brutal. I was tired. I mean really tired. I was also very bloated. I’d been drinking my Gatorade but it didn’t seem to be helping. I almost felt like I waspregnant already. Add to that the progesterone made my nipples a bit sore (sorry, TMI) and it was just a fun day.

Now, don’t mistake my sharing for complaining. Oh no! I’m happy. For some reason, I just feel like this cycle is different. I’m not too stressed. I am not on Dr. Google every moment. I am searching for other bloggers, but that’s because I like reading the experiences, not because I want to compare.

I’ve also made up my mind that I will absolutely NOT test during my TWW this time. I know. I know. I hear the groans, the “yeah, okays”, and see the eye rolls. But I think I did myself such a disservice last time. I tested on 5dp5dt and I saw that beautiful faint line. It was beautiful. I let myself get excited. Then, I tested the next day when I said I wouldn’t and while I still saw a faint line, it was much fainter than it had been the day before. I kept editing pictures and tweaking and inverting and worked myself into such a tizzy that on beta day I even made myself nauseous because my brain said I was pregnant. It made the crash and burn from the negative result that much more painful. Nope. I’m not doing that again.

So, my plan is simple. I am going to keep myself occupied with other stuff. I have plenty to do, so it shouldn’t be difficult. S. won’t be able to join me on transfer day because he will be with our son and daughter (for those of you new to the blog we have a 10 yo from a previous relationship (me) and a 2 yo we have adopted together). I felt sad about that last time, but I don’t this time. It was a very quick procedure, but I found that I appreciated having that moment with our babies by myself. I plan on completing the procedure, going to the car and thank God again for the opportunity even if it doesn’t carry me to the end. Then, I’m going to pick up an order of McDonald’s fries (not because everyone says to do, but because I think I will have deserved a reward for fight our area’s traffic). After I get home, I plan on spending some time with the family watching TV movies and staying quiet just giving the little ones a chance to snuggle in.

Sunday morning, I’ll enjoy worship service with my family and a nice yummy meal in the PM. I won’t need to plan too much in the way of TWW activities because it’s Christmas season! There will be tons to do including the family newsletter, Christmas cards, hair appointments, Christmas parties, etc. Hopefully, the TWW will fly by and beta will be here before we know it.

I’ll keep you guys posted, of course. Have a wonderful day.

-K

IVF#2 CD16 Medications
  • Estradol- 2 pills taken orally (1 in the AM/1 in the PM) 
  • Endometrin- 1 vaginal insert 3 times a day
IVF#2 CD16 Symptoms
  • Bloated
  • Fatigued
  • Slight period like cramps in abdomen
IVF#2 CD16 Developments
  • None to report
Next Appointment(s)
  • IVF#2 CD18:  Egg Transfer

IVF #2 CD 14: Our Retrieval Story

Hello everyone. Like last time, I’m late in this post, but I definitely needed the sleep. Retrieval began yesterday right at 8am. There were quite a few things that were like IVF #1, but some differences too. So, here is the play by play for IVF w/ ICSI #2.

This time, S. and I were out the house on time at 4:45 am. We had no traffic on the way to the RE office and arrived right on time. We went upstairs and found four other couples already seated. We filled out our paperwork and sat down in the lobby until one of the nurses called my name.

We went back in the pre-op area, presented photo IDs, and verified we were who we said we were, and then I was weighed in. I disrobed to change into the hat, booties, and gown that was presented to me. ID bracelets were provided and I was left with S. to pass time before he needed to leave to provide a sample.

Unlike last time, I didn’t have major cramps. I felt a little full, maybe bloated, but not the doubled up cramps I had from last time. I was worried about that. As time wound on, I did feel some twinges and some discomfort, but not the pain of before. S. told me that because I’d gone through it recently my pain threshold was probably higher. Maybe he is right. I heard a first timer in the room adjacent to mine ask if it was normal to be in this much pain and the nurse assured her it was. No biggie.

In a while, I met Joy, my anesthetist for the day. She set up the IV using the veins in my hand, which was a first for me. My preference is definitely for the IV in the arm. It tended to tug less. 

Hand IVs are not fun
While I was getting adjusted to that, S. was finally called to contribute his portion lol.

I have said before that my husband said it is the most professional thing he has ever experienced. He shared some of what was in the room and how it was set up lol. All I could say was “ewww” but marvel at the efficiency.

Shortly after he returned, my nurse Hope (yes, Hope) came in and told me it was time to depart. I gave S. his departing kiss and I went into the room. The first thing the nurse said was how much they loved my socks! (Thanks @hopefulbb2016!). She then said I was in great hands because I was in the room with Hope, Joy, and Love. (Apparently the additional doctor’s name translates to Love!). They had me lie to the edge of the table, place a mask on my face, and I don’t remember anything after that.

Well, scratch that. I remember waking up beside S. and telling him I love him. He couldn’t hear me because I was murmuring and I remember saying it again. S. tells me that I scared him because he did ask me to repeat what I said and I whispered “I love you” and then looked as if I completely passed out. He actually said he thought he was going to have to assist in something until I started softly snoring lol.

I wasn’t in horrible pain when I woke up, but I did need more assistance to walk to the car than last time. I slept the entire time in the car minus once when S. woke me to ask if I wanted him to pick me up IHOP since neither of us had eaten (yes!). He picked it up and I don’t even remember walking in the house. I do remember eating. I also remember going to my bedroom with my heating pad and then I was out!

I didn’t even remember what the nurse said was our number of eggs retrieved. S. told me it was 19! How awesome is that! 

19 eggs retrieved!!  Woohoo!!
I am so happy. I feel really good about this cycle. I really believe good things are going to happen this time. Tonight, I am a bit sorer than I was last retrieval. My little one accidentally grazed my tummy and that hurt a lot. I am also still nauseous and still moving a bit slow.

Other than that, I’m doing pretty well. Stay tuned for our fertilization report!

Now back to Gatorade and Pom juice.

Talk to you soon.

-K

IVF #2 CD 12: T'was the night before retrieval

Hello everyone!

A lot has happened and, while I've been updating on IG, I haven't done the best of jobs updating on this cycle.   So, let me bring you all up to speed.  I posted on IG that my right side follicles were growing like champs, but my left was a bit more sluggish.  That didn't really concern me at first because it has always been a bit more sluggish.  But my right side started breaching 20 mm on Friday and by yesterday (Saturday CD 11), I actually had one trying to nudge 22.  The ultrasound technician actually spoke out loud that she wondered how much further "they would be willing to push it".  My nurse A. happened to be at the weekend monitoring location so after the ultrasound was complete, I went into a separate room with her to discuss trigger information.  I actually left skeptical because my left side still hadn't caught up.  There was one 19 mm on that side.  Everything else was 14-16.

Fast forward to yesterday evening while lounging with S. and the phone rings.  The nurse tells me that I was going to trigger that night at 8PM!  My retrieval has been scheduled for 8AM tomorrow and S. and I have to be there at 6AM.  Wow!  I was NOT expecting that.  I suppose I should have been though.

I am on the same protocol from cycle 1 and I triggered on CD 11 then.  So, I guess it really is history repeating itself.

Tonight, I have developed some sort of stomach bug.  I suspect it is from the burger I ate last night.  It came back immediately after I ate it (TMI).  Today, I was feeling a bit blah, but figured it was just my being tired.  I took a nap after church, had a bit to eat and my antibiotic for tomorrow, and then twenty minutes later I'm in the bathroom.

Ugh.  I am hoping it will run its course tonight.  I can't take anything after midnight and I am rapidly approaching midnight.

Here's praying tonight will calm my belly and that tomorrow will be okay.

Have a great evening.

-K


IVF #2 CD8: Daily Monitoring

Hello.  Today is CD 8, Stims Day 6.  I went for my blood work and ultrasound this morning and discovered that my follicles have been busy trying to grow.  My estrogen count is 1,443.  I have 12 measurable follicles.  My right side is continuing to overachieve with seven follies.  My left side is chugging right along with five.  At the moment, I'm looking like this...

Left Follicles                                                     Right Follicles
  1. 14.6                                                          1. 15.9
  2. 11.8                                                          2. 15.9
  3.   9.0                                                          3. 15.8
  4. 10.7                                                          4. 11.4
  5.   9.5                                                          5. 15.1 
  6. ----                                                            6. 11.4
  7. ----                                                            7. 11.1     
   The sonographer told me I would be in daily monitoring from now until transfer unless something changes.  I already made my appointments.  Things appear to be progressing along.  My back is starting to kick my butt and my level of fatigue is also rising.  I'm about to start inhaling the Gatorade again because these headaches have been returning and there is nothing fun about them.  There is also the nastiest nausea that I have ever felt.  Considering how there has been a stomach virus going around, I'm not too sure of what this is.

Stims Day 6     
  • Gonal-F 112.50 ius
  • Menopur 150.00 ius
Stims Day 6 Symptoms/Side Effects
  • Bloated
  • Fatigue
  • Headache
  • Backache
  • Hot Flashes
Stims Day 6 New Developments
  • Daily Appointments starting CD9 ( 1 Dec 16)
Next Appointment
  • Bloodwork and Ultrasound-IVF CD9
                           
I'll check in tomorrow.

-K

IVF #2 CD7: Tired!

Hi everyone!

Today was the introduction of Cetrotide.  So, I woke up this morning, tried to get everyone out and on time, and then realized I was about to walk out without my morning dosage.  So, I managed to pull everything out of the fridge, and without numbing myself with ice, took my needle.  Ugh.  It's a good thing I was in such a hurry this morning.  I didn't have time to focus on the HURT!!!  UGH!

It wasn't until I was halfway home this PM when I realized that tonight I'll be taking three shots before I lay head to pillow....and I'm already exhausted.

Tonight, I'll be taking Gonal-F and Menopur (double dose).  So how do I feel?

Well, honestly, I'm sleepy.  I am so tired, so fatigued.  I feel exhausted and I would like nothing more than to take a nap.  I remember taking my last shots at 7:30 because it worked well with our schedule. Because my schedule altered this cycle, I'm taking the meds at 9:15.  I wish I could take them earlier now.  I really want a nap.

Other than that, I'm great.  Not much cramping today, so I'm not even sure everything is working today.  But I assume so.

Let's pull today's stats and see what tomorrow's bloodwork and ultrasound bring us.

I'll talk to you later.

-K

Stims Day 5
  • Gonal-F  112.50 ius
  • Menopur 150.00 ius
Stims Day 5 Symptoms/Side Effects
  • Bloated
  • TIRED
Stims Day 5 New Developments
  •   Cetrotide to be added 29 Nov AM
Next Appointment
  • Bloodwork and Ultrasound-IVF CD8, Stims Day 6

IVF #2, CD 6: New Cycle, New Symptoms, New Adjustments, and New Players

So, today is CD6, Stims Day 4. And apparently my body is just itching to overachieve. I went to my BW & US appointment this morning to see if any of my follies are starting to progress. The sonographer said she counted 13 on my right and 10 on my left! 


BUT...don’t get too excited. Only four of those thirteen are measurable right now. I have one 9.9 cm follicle on my left side. My right side, which loves to overachieve, currently has 11.5, 10.6, and 10.3. Looks like we’re trying to hit that 18mm mark sooner than later J. My lining measured at 5.3 and I’m all about making that as healthy and thick and beautiful as possible if it means providing a nurturing place for our baby(ies). I am all positive for this cycle.

If you have followed the blog for a while, then you know last cycle, my estrogen count on stims day 4 was 724. That was MUCH higher than they wanted it to be and they adjusted the amount of medication I took. Well, this time, I’m performing a bit better at 588, but still higher than the RE likes on stims day 4. So, I’ve been adjusted again.

Tonight, I will adjust my Gonal-F by 37.5 ius. I’m only taking 112.5 ius. The Menopur will remain the same dosage tonight BUT tomorrow a new friend joins the party….CETROTIDE!

(Okay, for all the nerdy people like me, I totally heard the ominous echo and had a vision of a Cetrotide transformer showing up. I love my imagination).

Anywho, I start one vial of Cetrotide tomorrow AM. Now, what is tremendously awesome is comparing my first cycle to this one and seeing the similarities. Like my last Stims Day 4, I am starting to develop a headache. I had a nasty one hit me almost immediately after taking my Gonal-F/Menopur cocktail last night. It went away but today, about 1400 (2pm), I started having one live behind my eye. It almost feels like a migraine but isn’t. Also, returning to the party, just like last time is the bloat. I guess the follies really are trying to grow. I certainly won’t complain!

Nurse A. just called and confirmed all of my meds and scheduling. I return to the office on Stims Day 6, IVF CD 8, and we’ll see what happens then. Here is today’s breakdown and I hope you find it helpful.

Stims Day 4
  • Gonal-F 112.50 ius
  • Menopur 75.00 ius
Stims Day 4 Symptoms/Side Effects
  • Headache behind right eye
  • Felt first “tugging” of ovaries. Never knew what my #ttcsisters were talking about until I felt it
  • Short stabby prick in right ovaries
  • Bloated
Stims Day 4 New Developments
  •  Estrogen count is 588
  •  Gonal-F reduced by 37.5 ius
  •  Cetrotide to be added 29 Nov AM
Next Appointment
  • Bloodwork and Ultrasound-IVF CD8, Stims Day 6

I will update you tomorrow!

-K

IVF #2 CD 4: IVF #2 has officially begun (Stims Day 2)



Hello everyone!  Happy belated Thanksgiving.  I should have written a couple of days ago, but it has been so busy in my household that it was next to impossible to do so.  I have my IVF #2 Baseline blood work and ultrasound on 22 November.  Everything was quiet and "beautiful" per the sonographer and I left with my new medication calendar and follow-up appointment scheduled.

While at the RE's office, I met a young woman who was just starting her IVF journey and she and I were sharing experiences as her husband has male factor infertility numbers similar to S.  The young woman seemed appreciative of the fact that I was willing to talk to her and it reminded me of our IG community.  It's nice to have people who understand and can relate to what we're walking through.  I told her she was more than welcome to talk to me about it in the future as well.

Fast forward past the 30+ people in our home and the controlled chaos of the Thanksgiving holiday (not to mention the gratitude of God) and yesterday found me at the start of ovary stimulation.  The first dosage was a bit tricky logistics wise because I had to excuse myself from all of our guests to take the dosage.  I also had a couple of changes from our first IVF cycle.

And so it begins...
Last cycle I was started on 225 iu of Gonal-F and 75 iu of Menopur.  I responded much quicker than expected and the RE ended up reducing my Gonal-F to lower my risk of OHSS.  (My estrogen numbers were high!). This cycle, I have been started on 150 iu of Gonal-F and 75 iu on Menopur.
I'm interested in seeing how my body will respond though I have to admit I have already felt ovary twinges and I'm familiar enough with them by now that I know it's not my mind playing tricks on me.

Here's my breakdown for the Stims Day 1:

Stims Day 1
  • Gonal-F    150 iu
  • Menopur     75 iu
Stims Day 1 Symptoms
  • Definite recognizable twinges in my ovaries, particularly right side
Stims Day 1 Developments
  • N/A
Next Appointment(s)
  • IVF CD6:  Bloodwork (Monday, 28 Nov 2016)

I'll see if I can post again tonight with an update on stims posting today.

I love our community

I've said it more than once.  Our #TTC community is amazing!  I've had more support in my virtual family than I could have ever imagined.  But this latest episode?  Oh my am I overwhelmed.

There was no way S. and I could afford another $4K in meds.  I told S. that I was going to contact the #TTC community on IG for assistance.  My honey was skeptical.  I told him it couldn't hurt to try and we'd be no worse off than when we first started.

So, I put out the call for Menopur, Cetrotide, and Gonal-F pens.  Several ladies contacted me.  We were able to connect and discuss what was needed.  Some ladies just contacted to let me know they were sharing my request with others.  Two ladies in particular became saving angels.

In the past four days, I have received all of the items requested plus some beautiful notes of encouragement and #TTC goodies.  I've also shared some laughs and encouraging words behind the DM screen.  I tell you I am humbled.

This community really is amazing.  I don't have enough thank yous in me because there are simply not enough to show the gratitude I have for you all.  This journey is hard.  It's especially hard because S. and I are in this solo.  With the exception of one girlfriend who has successfully walked through this journey herself and one #TTC supporter who successfully delivered her own healthy bundles, no one knows we are having these issues.  Even the supporters don't hear from me often.  It gets frustrating.

Every day I log on to my phone or computer and I see messages of encouragement from #TTCsisters worldwide to each other.  I see you all mourn when a baby receives angel wings.  I see you celebrate when a baby is born.  I see excitement when a #BFP is announced.  I see fierce Mama Bear protectiveness when someone comes insensitively to another sister or brother (I see you all out there and love you too!) walking this journey.  I also see the shared devastation  and support when a #BFN is shared.

If our entire world could embrace the support and love that is found in this community, it would be a powerful thing.  I thank you for that.

I plan to edit this post to include pictures of the meds received and the gifts attached.  I think it is important to see that there are still wonderful people in this world.  S. and I still needed to make some additional purchases, but no where near $4K and that is a HUGE blessing.

Thank you very much and may God Himself cover you with His love and blessings.  My husband and I thank you.

-K

Gearing up for IVF Cycle 2: The Follow-Up


Hello everyone. Oh my! I had no idea that it had been so long since I have posted. I sincerely apologize for not writing, but truth be told there hasn’t been much to write about. You were there via Instagram for the devastating blow of #BFN after the faint positive from the blue dye test. (Note to self: Never EVER use blue dye again). Then, there was the celebration of my ttc sisters who succeeded on their IVF journey. That was exciting and fun and sad at the same time. But I am still thrilled for them. Now, it’s back to reality.

I started birth control for IVF cycle number 2 on November 3rd. That tiny little sphere was basically my “here we go again world” war cry. And here we are taking it day by day. So what does today bring? Today brings intake. Yesterday was our follow-on What in the World (WITW) appointment.

 The news gave me a lot to think about.

The new pill regime begins

I talked to Dr. G and her response was the protocol worked beautifully. We produced 12 good quality eggs, 9 of which were mature. Four fertilized. Two eggs divided quite nicely. One was a beautiful blast, the other only slightly behind. They were implanted. One of the remaining stopped growing pretty quickly. The other actually looked like it was going to continue dividing. It was in the same stage as the slightly behind blastocyst when it stopped dividing as well. And nothing remained.

I asked if it was an egg issue, a sperm issue, or something else. And she explained that it could have been anything, but if she had to guess, she would have guessed S.’s sperm count. It was low. Really low. Much lower than it had been for the IUI and that was significantly less than 1M. When counting sperm per grid, S. only had 7 moving per grid. I’m linking this Mayo clinic page that breaks it down much better than I, but here’s my layman.

Sperm is looked at under the microscope to see how many normal sperm appear in squares on a grid pattern. If they use a big 4 corner squares gril, they are looking for a number x50K to determine sperm per ml. If done by 9 big squares grid, they are to look by x22K to determine sperm per ml. S. had 7 or 350K. A normal minimum is 5M and my husband (if I understood correctly) had 350K after sperm wash on the day of retrieval. 

Not exactly a great number

 All of that being said, Dr. G reminded me that it only takes one good sperm and one good egg for success. She also said that with counts this low the very DNA of the sperm can be affected and the embryos can stop developing if the pregnancy will not be viable or if there will be genetic issues. She suspects that is probably what happened to us despite the blastocyst and morula looking very good.

We’ve gone to one of the top specialists in the nation for male factor infertility and he said the S. had no findable issues. I think it’s time for a follow-up. Either way, we are pushing forward and I pray everything works out. I’m a couple of days away from ordering some of the meds and our community has been able to help with others. I am investing in no stress and just focusing on God.

We will conceive.


-K

IVF#1: Fail


Our first IVF has failed.  It didn't work.  It was not a success.  It failed.  Writing those words has to be one of the hardest things I've done in a long time.  I couldn't gauge it.  With the IUI, I had a feeling it didn't work.  The count was so low.  Even the doctor didn't have a true look of confidence.  But this time...This time it was different.  Dr. G. was so excited about our embabies.  She called them beautiful.  She called them gorgeous.  The blastocyst was ready.  Its little brother (I assume) was equally beautiful.  I knew one or both would take.

I did the pineapple core and POM.  I rested after retrieval and the evening of transfer.  I was up the next day because the office wanted me up and moving.  I didn't overexert myself.  I stopped jogging. I made sure to eat and take my meds.  I talked to them.  I encouraged them.  But the babies didn't stay. They went back to heaven.  They went back to creation. And the procedure failed.

I waited all day for the phone call.  When nurse A. called, I dialed S.  We'd agreed that we would find out together.  And then she said "Unfortunately" and I knew.  Less than 1.  A negative one.  My beta was a negative one.  I'm not quite sure how a number can be so empty it's negative, but it is and it belongs to me.  I didn't cry. I felt a flash of anger and disappointment wrapped in a white hot ball and I embraced it.

When the call ended, I verbalized "I'm done" and I simply shut down my office computer and walked out the door.  I drove to a parking lot and sat there for about ten minutes in complete silence.  No music.  No radio.  No words.  I just sat there and then I continued the rest of the day.

When S. got home, I didn't want hugs or to be coddled.  I just wanted space...white space, quiet space.  I still haven't received it.  I recognize that my husband is grieving too, so we've embraced. But I haven't been able to open up in what I'm feeling yet.  I honestly don't know.  Someone asked that I not lose faith.

I won't.  Whatever happens in the rest of this journey, I know and believe that God is my rock and in Him will I trust. I recently saw a young woman in our community curse God the other day when she lost her child at ten weeks.  I prayed for her.  Her pain was so real and palpable.  I know she is hurting and I know she professes to be a woman of faith.  I pray that she will be able to seek God again and let Him comfort her in loss and strengthen her is His grace.  We were never promised a life without trouble, trial or tribulation.  If she is reading this blog, I am praying for you and praying peace for you as well.  I didn't lose at ten weeks.  I didn't get to see the heartbeat or hear it beating with promise.  I don't know that ache nor can I pretend I do.  But I loved my babies as you loved yours. I truly believe that there is a purpose in this pain.  While I don't know that we will ever know on this side what that purpose is, I believe that it is for our good no matter how horrible that sounds.  And it is okay to be angry and hurt and disappointed.  Praying so hard for you!!!

My husband is currently sitting beside me being a wonderful husband.  My hormones are a mess and I have been cramping off and on.  I'm simply awaiting Aunt Flo's return.  We talk with our doctor on Tuesday to address where we go from here.  With no babies making it to freeze, we will have to start all the way over.  With most of my medication exhausted, it will be another larger payment that we aren't ready for.  But we will continue.  No matter what.  

Thank you to everyone for every kind word, every encouragement.  You have no idea how much this means to us.  I haven't met any of you.  But I consider all of you a part of my journey and I'm thankful to walk with you.  God bless you and keep all of you.

I will be in touch.
-K


Beta morning

Good morning!

Well, today is the day.  No matter what happens, by the end of this day, S. and I will know if by some miracle God has allowed us to successfully achieve pregnancy from our first IVF w/ ICSI cycle.  I've kept my promise and haven't tested anymore.  I don't know if I am pregnant or am not.  I've no symptoms beyond a little fatigue and occasional nausea, both of which are familiar to me as PMS symptoms.

I have been told there is no real goal IVF beta number, but Dr. Google begs to differ.  It doesn't matter.  This morning, I seek only to get this test done, and get a response.  Everything after is for another day.

Beta day is here

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8dp5dt: Just keep swimming

Sorry, I've been a bit absent.  Truth be told, I wanted a little time to catch my breath from the past couple of days.  On 5dp5dt, I was feeling really, really bummed because I didn't feel anything.  By anything, I mean anything.  I have been pregnant before.  I've even had chemical pregnancies advance with pretty convincing symptoms.  This time I felt nothing.  Not even a little bit.  I was disappointed and figured I was out completely.  So, I decided to log onto Instagram and saw several of my fellow #TTCsisters showing pregnancy tests at 5 and 6 days past transfer with faint lines and not so faint lines. I figured if I wasn't feeling anything and the test could confirm that, then at least I would know right?  I am also more than able to admit that there was a part of me that would see a line on my test.  It worked...kind of.

I found a couple of tests still in the house from my last testing frenzy.  The problem is they were blue dye tests.  Every single false positive or chemical pregnancy test result I have ever received has been from a blue dye test.  So, while I didn't want to necessarily put my trust in the test, I used what I had and this happened....

Hope your resolution is up.  There's a faint blue line behind that horizontal.

I had a positive.  Faint, but it was there.  Or was it.  Because I have come to trust the honest opinions of the ladies in our #TTCcommunity, I posted the result and asked for opinions.  Everyone saw the same vertical blue line.  BUT, several of the sisters admonished me to remember what I already knew. Blue dye tests are unreliable.  They asked me to try the first response early response test.

Well, silly me, I grabbed the wrong ones and got the first response rapid response tests instead.  They don't provide early pregnancy results.  So, I came up with this when I tried.

The top two were taken 5dp5dt.  The bottom two were taken at 6dp5t.
The CBs are the only ones that register positive.

There were no clear positives on the FRRR tests.  So, discouraged, I promised myself that I would not test again until beta.  But I was fooling myself.  I was so disappointed because yesterday, all I felt was a bit of nausea.  Even that was come and go.  I just wanted to see the test again.  Just to be sure.

No doubt there, it's negative
And with that, here we are.  I will not test again.  I know the result.  I know that it's done.  I know that we we have to try again.  I know that we are fortunate to have five more chances before it's up for us. I am trying to have hope, but I'm pretty sure this cycle is a loss for us.

I'll keep you updated on Friday when we finally have our 14-day beta.

Have a great day.

-K

IVF CD22: The TWW (4dp5dt)

You can say that again!

Can I be really open with you all? I hate the TWW (two week wait). I do. I just do. Since the first month of ttc naturally, to the first IUI, to this very first IVF, I absolutely abhor the TWW. Sigh. I am trying VERY hard not to symptom spot, but I can’t help it. I sit and work and I’m bloated. Am I bloated from the progesterone or am I pregnant? I’m super sleepy after lunch. Is it the “itis” or am I tired because I’m pregnant? I’m feeling this very peculiar pinprick pain in one specific location in my ovaries. What is it? Pregnant or gas?

Ugh, seriously. I’m about to drive myself up a wall. Fortunately, I’ve not mentioned any of these symptoms or non-symptoms to S. He’s the sane one and always says “let’s not get too overexcited. We don’t want to get our hopes up”. True. We don’t, but we do. I really want to know what our baby(ies) are doing in there. I know the key is to keep your mind occupied. Fortunately, it seems like that will come sooner than later today.

Our eldest has his Back to School night (only it has been changed to Family Night to encourage everyone to come and try the new curriculum module activities). Great. I’ve no problem with that at. We’ve even managed to carve out some time with our son’s teacher. We’ve noticed some behavior we aren’t too thrilled with that we are attributing to hormones and growing up. He isn’t too excited about turning in assignments or focusing. He comes by that naturally. I’m so easily distracted sometimes. It doesn’t surprise me that he is too. But, it’s becoming a concern for S. and I because we want to make sure he has a successful and productive academic year. If we can get everyone—teacher, student, parent, administrators, etc. on the same page, we think it will be great. So, after the Family Night, S. and I are going to sit and converse with his teacher a bit about the best way to proceed going forward. Our goal is to make sure that he is doing everything he needs to do to succeed and that we are doing everything we can do to support him and his teacher.

Tomorrow, I’m taking our fur babies to the vet to have their nails trimmed. I don’t know what I was thinking when I scheduled at 10 in the morning, knowing that I’d still have to come to work, but navigating the time will keep my mind off things.  I'll sign back on after our meeting tonight.
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I'm back.  The parent teacher conference was productive, but not amazing.  We need to keep the eldest more focused and so we're going to try some things at the house to allow the school to supplement.  We need him to do better and be better.  Nothing bad.  Nothing wrong.  He's just being a little boy, but we need him to be more focused as it will definitely benefit him in the long run.

Now, it's back to the PM dosage of meds, my teacup of Pom, and my evening pineapple core.  Anything to help these babies stick.  I read online via IVFConnections due date calendar that today I should be 3 weeks and 2 days.  So, that's obviously way too early for me to even consider testing this week.  Maybe I'll try and convince S. to do so next week.  Then again, maybe not.  

Have a very great evening and I will write you all again soon.

-K

IVF CD22 Medications
  • Estradol- 2 pills taken orally (1 AM/1 PM)
  • Endometrin- 1 vaginal insert 3 times a day
IVF CD22 Symptoms
  • Occasional cramps (probable cause fertility meds)
IVF CD21 Developments
  • None to report
Next Appointment
  • Beta test day- 28 Oct 2016



IVF CD21: And then there were none (3dp5dt) ...


So, there I was trying to convince myself that I absolutely would NOT google track symptoms or lack thereof.  I also promised myself that I would not stress.  No matter what happened, no matter what came, no matter what I thought or may not have thought about symptoms, I would not stress!

Then, I received a phone call.  It was late.  I was supposed to have heard from our nurse A. yesterday regarding the remaining embryo and if it made it to freeze.  When I didn’t get a call, I thought nothing about it.  Today, I decided to call her and her voicemail let me know she was out of the office on conference this week.  No biggie.  I figured I’d leave a message with the front desk when I returned from lunch.  They beat me to it.


One of the nurses, G., is filling in for A. while she is away.  She called and informed me that we actually had two remaining embryos trying hard to divide after transfer.  They tried.  One made it a bit further than his brother.  Then, they both stopped.  No more dividing.  The clinic gave them 7 full days just to see if the extra time would help them divide.  It didn’t.

So, there are no embryos to freeze.  If this doesn’t work….if the two beautiful babies who are currently (hopefully) attaching and growing decide not to stick around, we will have to start all over.  And just like that, I felt the cramps and the sadness.

I know I shouldn’t give up.  I’m not.  I know I shouldn’t count our transferred babies out.  I haven’t.  But I feel loss for the emrbyos that didn't make it.   I’m still hoping and praying we have a great result and soon!

Have a great evening!

-K

IVF CD20 Medications
  • Estradol - 2 pills taken orally (1 AM/1 PM)
  • Endometrin- 1 vaginal insert 3 times a day
IVF CD20 Symptoms
  • Cramps off and on (probable cause is endometrin)
  • Slight nausea (probable cause is endometrin)
IVF CD20 Developments
  • No call about embryos for freeze report

IVF CD21 Medications
  • Estradol- 2 pills taken orally (1 AM/1 PM)
  • Endometrin- 1 vaginal insert 3 times a day
IVF CD21 Symptoms
  • Cramps off and on (probable cause is endometrin)
  • Slight occurrence of nausea today (probable cause is fertility meds)
IVF CD21 Developments
  • No embryos made it to freeze
Next Appointment
  • Beta test day- 28 Oct 2016